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 Desmond Hayden [2016 Revamp] [APPROVED 0-2/0-2+/0-2++]

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MorpheusDavol
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Subject Post 11PostSubject: Re: Desmond Hayden [2016 Revamp] [APPROVED 0-2/0-2+/0-2++]   Thu Jan 28, 2016 5:53 pm

Edits done.

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Subject Post 12PostSubject: Re: Desmond Hayden [2016 Revamp] [APPROVED 0-2/0-2+/0-2++]   Fri Jan 29, 2016 8:30 am


«-PREPARE TO BE REVIEWED-»



« Application Checklist »

• Let's Get Down To Business •

  • Name [X]
  • Appropriate Age [X]
  • Gender [X]
  • Appearance Present [X]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [X]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [X]
  • 10 sentences for personality [X]
  • History is of appropriate length [X]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [o]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [x]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [X]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[X]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [X]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [X]


« The Willsheet Checklist »

• And Comments/Fixes •

  • Willpower/Determination: N/A
  • Mental Deduction: N/A
  • Pain Endurance: N/A
  • Focus: N/A


  • Comments/Notes:
    Quote :
    Gate of Carnage- This gate can be unlocked through sheer will power by any slayer and unknowingly at that. When this gate is unlocked the muscle usage of the user to pushed up to 100% full utilization and synchronization causing the user to emit a stream from their body and also increase the usage of their slayer powers , the downside to this obviously by utilizing their body full capacity even without buffs will strain and stretch the muscles painfully after and during use resulting in soreness and pain after using it.. Any tier may unlock and maintain this form.

    And what exactly do the bold quotes do? You briefly mentioned something about increasing and gaining all these percents, but can you provide some in battle examples of how far this physical extent goes?

    Quote :
    100 % Body usage: Self explanatory Hayden’s armor and mind dull the pain he recieves and cuts natural mental limitations to have his body to allow him to fully harness his power and strength at it’s full potential of course this could prove negative for long term use of his Shikai despite his regenerative abilities, even taking two-fold damage in prolong used. In this form Hayden cannot control the effort his body puts forth rather it giving all he’s got. Actually any damage he causes to himself in this form from using his powers (I.e over exerting his muscles) will not heal himself due to his body simply recognizing it as a natural change, but if he cuts his arm off that will heal it's self due to it being not from his powers. If he removed his armor or loses it in battle of course he loses this but gains his complete regen back. Yet due to how he gives his all these are the following drawbacks; His regen is cut, his strength brings harm to himself with each attack he performs after four posts, and this is tied directly to his armor.

    This seems pretty redundant. He already has body supremacy in his base, what does he need this for in his Shikai? I'd rather see that removed.

    Quote :
    Wrath of the Storm Bringer: Like his previous Qo nos ability in shikai this is the upgraded variant but with a twist. Due to his acceptance of his rage the angrier he gets the more powerful this strike could potentially grow feeding off his emotional connection to his reiatsu, due to this his build up of red crackling energy is a devasting type of attack. When he charges this strike and swing his blade it sends a pulse of arching red lightning that was the power in a charge and release post to level a district of a city or a cero oscura head on. When in fused with death matter it requires a post charge and another to fire but can meet the force of multiple cero oscura level attacks but requires a three post cool down after firing

    Lower that to one cero oscura attack since that is a pretty powerful attack to use.

    Quote :
    Cosmic Severing: At first Hayden was able to cut things so finely that the reiatsu wouldn’t be able to heal naturally in his shikai, well in his Bankai he doesn’t cut just… he severs it’s physical and ethereal being from the universe. This ability causes wounds that cannot be healed naturally but any healing abilities will be slowed by extreme amounts, but a side effect of this ability allows Hayden to tear holes into the fabric of reality if he focuses his energy and enters into a state of supreme focus; this would take two posts and allow him to tear wormholes for small durations of times.

    You are going to need more detail for an ability like this. You'd be limited to one usage of it per post, I'd like more heft drawbacks and I'd like to see in fighting examples. I'd also probably remove the bit about wormholes as they seem pretty irrelevant to the whole cutting ordeal.


  • Tier: n/a

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Subject Post 13PostSubject: Re: Desmond Hayden [2016 Revamp] [APPROVED 0-2/0-2+/0-2++]   Fri Jan 29, 2016 9:35 am

Edits made

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Subject Post 14PostSubject: Re: Desmond Hayden [2016 Revamp] [APPROVED 0-2/0-2+/0-2++]   Fri Jan 29, 2016 9:42 am


«-PREPARE TO BE REVIEWED-»



« Application Checklist »

• Let's Get Down To Business •

  • Name [X]
  • Appropriate Age [X]
  • Gender [X]
  • Appearance Present [X]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [X]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [X]
  • 10 sentences for personality [X]
  • History is of appropriate length [X]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [X]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [x]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [X]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[X]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [X]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [X]


« The Willsheet Checklist »

• And Comments/Fixes •

  • Willpower/Determination: Master
  • Mental Deduction: Advanced
  • Pain Endurance: Master
  • Focus: Master


  • Comments/Notes: Everything I have asked has been corrected as far as I see. If there any further issues, other staff members can point them out and correct. As for now, though, I'll cautiously approve it. If anything is abused, you'll hear from staff.


  • Tier: 0-4 is the tier I'm going to approve this as CAUTIOUSLY. I'm ranking it as this due to the length of time he has been active, the quality of the application and progression the character has had overall. This applies for all forms and states and his inner-hollow.

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Subject Post 15PostSubject: Re: Desmond Hayden [2016 Revamp] [APPROVED 0-2/0-2+/0-2++]   Thu Dec 08, 2016 12:24 pm


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