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|Subject Post 1Subject: [THEFROST]'s Mirja Review Fri Aug 19, 2016 11:43 am|| |
«REVIEWING CHARACTER NOW»
I'll give you a few pointers on this profile to make it better. When I was reading the personality section I felt it was a bit lacking. The reason being is because it just felt like it was too brief for my taste. I was reading her history and felt like there could be more traits added to it.
"But her firey spirit could not be ignored, and one day, while a group of teens were tormenting a younger girl, she went up to them and told them to stop what they were doing. After a short arguement, one of the teens, confident in his own superioirty, punched Mirja in the face, and broke his knuckles. The rest took equally painful wounds as Mirja hit them all with immense strength for a girl her size, and age. Having never had a fight before, Mirja simply believed people were that weak, but apparently not, as the tales of her spread quickly through the Rukongai."
You could also go into more detail about her personality being fiery and vibrant in the way that she will often fight for what she wants. You can call her scary, rambunctious and filled with raw energy and zest for life.
You could also begin to form a type of illness within her mind that begins to whisper thoughts, flashbacks, feelings and words from her former life. In this way, you can cement the anguish she went through further and add more depth to your characters persona.
"Born in the Tenth District of Rukongai, life was not very difficult, aside from the fact that she was a strangely heavy baby, something everyone commented on, as she grew up. Her parents, not exactly nobles but ones that liked to appear above the rest, impressed that she should be a good girl from a very young age. To grow up, be attractive, and gain a husband that she would look after. And of course Mirja obeyed."
You could also describe her as a patient -- at least up to a point. Since she has a fair amount of it to deal with the demands of others until her fiery spirit begins to grow impatient. So you could also work that she is impulsive, makes rash decisions when her patience runs out and so on.
And that, was her life. Train with the 11th division, pull punches so you didn't cream a guy - the restraints didn't take all her strength, and she was still quite the hefty girl - and occasionally go to the 12 division for check ups. Along the way, she came into contact with Rice Cakes, and loved them. They became her obsession, and she was always seen with them, nibbling when ever she wanted, and punching whoever complained about it. She learned that punching people was fun, if you were restrained and didn't cause a broken bones when you did it."
If Rice cakes are her obsession, I'd add that in her persona as quirk. Make it so that she loves anything to do with them and you can get on her good side by providing her more rice cakes. Really, just go into more detail with it.
"t was this time that we started to work on her Shikai, the primary manifestation of her Zanpaktou. It was a long time coming, full of trials and tribulations, most of which was the meditation, she was bad at sitting still, but eventually, she managed to get in contact with the spirit, and connect over several sessions to learn his name, Beowulf. It gave her a strange sense of happiness, but she didn't know why, so she attributed it to the long lost memories that had long plauged her. It was annoying, but she put it past her, and worked to be as best as she could be. However, not quite learned in the ways of Zanpaktous, she was reminded of all the training swords she had broken, and worried. This worry developed into a release that did not bring out Beowulf's full power, so she didn't hurt him when hitting with her full strength. She had released his true form in the first time, but since, overcome with the worry. "
Ok, since you are still aiming for shikai, I can say it's doubtful I'll give this profile 2 tier. However, if you keep working with my recommendations, I can see her being a 3-1 and qualifying for a low powered Shikai. I would go into more detail about how this shikai changed her life, how it changed her fighting style, how she trained to control it and learning more about herself through it. Perhaps it could inform her more of her past, maybe it could unlock new personality traits and maybe you could tether more symbolism from her history into the abilities.
"As she grew older, the world got much more active, far more than she had ever believed possible when she first joined the Academy. Shinigami were taking to Cybernetics with much gusto, and enhancing their powers, as they became obvious to humans and even started a task force with them, of all things. So much was happening in the universe, Mirja tried her best to ignore most of it. She was here to punch things, not to learn about everything in the everything. Her Captain would tell her what she needed to know."
You could probably have her take an interest in technology and cybernetics to add more to her persona. Since she appears to like them, why not go into detail about it and further add more depth to your character? Describe her researching different technologies, reading up on great researchers, experimenting with her own projects and trying to increase her intelligence through research.
You could also begin to research the different events that occurred on Platinum Hearts if you want to sync your characters history with them. I would recommend using this board:
"Hakuda: Some people would think that just because she is titanically powerful, Mirja would throw hammer-blows and nothing else. But, she is actually a highly skilled martial artist, quick with strikes and precise at the same time. Since she did not need to spend any time building up her muscles, she could spend her entire time training technique, and skill."
Alright, I would heavily recommend going into more detail about this if you are aiming for a higher profile. Customize her hakuda and it's techniques to the character. You could go into detail about how she specialized in different types of striking techniques, punches, kicks and that sort of thing mixed together with her reiatsu. Describe different stances, research (google) different fighting styles and imagine how you would want to create your own supernatural fighting style for her to make it more likely you'll get a higher tier.
"Hoho: Surprising to most, considering she is incredibly heavy, Mirja has a decent skill with Hoho, not exactly outrunning lightning bolts, but able to keep pace with a good collection of people. Her favourite thing is to literally run into people, using her body to protect her from the recoil, and allow massive impact damage"
Much of the same with this. You can create different types of techniques with Hoho. Can she make after-images? Is she good with sprinting or long-distance running? How is her stamina? What is her projected rate of growth? (I.E. what will she be able to do at beginner shunpo, adept shunpo, advanced shunpo etc)
"Reiatsu Perception: Another interesting thing, considering her total lack of Reiatsu, this came about with her Shikai's nature. She can sense Reiatsu that is reletively well hidden, but anything dedicated will still slip under her radar"
Again, go into more detail. How sharp is her sense? How far away can she sense energy? If there is a hundred energy blast coming her way, can she sense them all and look for any hidden objects or people? How long do it take her to learn this? etc there is a lot more you can do.
You could also describe how she makes her durability unique to her, how she trained her speed to be specialized and what sort of attack strength she might have at each different level as well.
"» Shikai Abilities: Mirja's False Shikai simply grants her additional strength, the bond between her and Beowulf strong enough that even a fake release allows connection between the two. A basic enough power, and with Mirja's already considerable physical prowess, it is hard to tell the difference between her Shikai, and her base form."
What kind of additional strength are we talking about here? Go into more detail about how it makes her stronger. How does her brute force change? What type of enhancements does she get? Are there any new techniques had in this form? Why not infuse her light powers with her hand-to-hand to make it more special?
The True Shikai, rarely used because Mirja doesn't want to hurt Beowulf with her physical power, (and doesn't want to admit she is scared as part of the release) is a vastly superior specimen. Granting slightly more strength than her false shikai, she gets the ability to absorb light photons in the surrounding area, and use them to fuel Beowulf's powers. The most common uterlization is the technique known as 'Yami no Sekai' (World of Darkness) which creates a pitch-black bubble in her surrounding area. This forces the opponent to uterlize the other senses to fight, since she has no Reiatsu to be tracked by. A second, much more overt power, is to compress the photons incredibly, and then extrude them in a heat-beam that destroys the bubble of darkness as the photons escape confinement"
Why not create more techniques associated with her shikai? If it is related to light generation, why not give her a technique which amplifies the light around her body to the point where it can potentially blind the opponent temporarily? Perhaps it can feel an increase in her mood, will or state of mind when around areas of great life? Maybe she can get a slight boost in the levels of energy which are produced in her body when in her element? There is a lot more you can do with this.
Additionally, if she is into cybernetics, you can also try making more equipment for the character and having a wider arsenal of tools to work with.
Now, these are all my suggestions and I would like to see some of them implemented if you want to extend the reach of this character. I'm not going into bankai at the moment as I doubt she is at that level yet. With enough work, however, I can see this potentially getting boosted up to a 3-1-- perhaps.