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 Regulus Systematica [FIN]

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BloodredAi
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Subject Post 1PostSubject: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:18 am

Pre-dismantled version:
 

'Transmission':
 
Touch Trigger:
 
Illusion:
 
Control:
 

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Subject Post 2PostSubject: Re: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:49 am

Quote :
Personality

You have five sentences out of the ten required for it to be passable.

Quote :
Natural Abilities

In general, all of these need expanded on. I'm not going to let one or two sentences describe something like that, as that is just lazy. And get rid of the brackets, as you don't need them -- and they just make it look incredibly unorganized.

Quote :
Efficiency

"As someone quite adept at such an art, Anri's physical and magical stamina each last quite a while."

This is not how efficiency works. At least, the way you're describing it isn't right. The way you described it in the excerpt from above is endurance, and potentially having a large amount of energy reserves.

Quote :
Equipment

This needs expanded on as well, as one or two sentences won't get away with something like that.
If it's pre-existing equipment on site, in the show, or in the real world, put them as links so you don't have to describe them fully.

Joushou Ability

Quote :
"...boosting her speed by half a tier."

There really isn't a "half tier" on here. I'd like to see this changed to a full skill level, with when it hits Master, it boosts to be faster than Master, but it wouldn't hit Grand Master. This needs to be applied to all references to this.

Quote :
...but does not need to retain contact afterward.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to say no to this. At the very least, make it so that she has to make contact or retain it after a certain time. And also, change it so that it does fade once she elevates to higher releases.

Zenou Ability

Quote :
Expanding a bit further, the Regulus Systematica minimizes Anri's wasted energy to a mere 1% and gains two new notable features, the first of which being another speed boost. Anri can now reach the speeds of the next tier, albeit only in linear bursts. Otherwise, Anri retains the half-tier speed boost from her Joushou release.

Move this to Kyuu Kyou.

Quote :
Roleplay Sample

You need a roleplay sample. It can be new, or something from a previous site. It has to have a minimum of 10 sentences.

Quote :
Sacred Weapon: Regulus Systematica

The only thing that I have a problem with is the "cannot" part. Absolutes are NOT allowed on PH. I will quote one of the rules of powers below in a spoiler.

Spoiler:
 

These should be everything. I'm going to be granting you a bit of trust in the Kyuu Kyou abilities, but if they are abused once all is said and done with this check, I will make you change them.


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Subject Post 3PostSubject: Re: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:24 pm

A bit of justification and other misc. bits of info.

In regards to personality:
Really? the template for Sugis didn't say. oh well, i'll fix it.

Nat. Abilities & equipment:
The Brackets make it feel unorganized? To me they make it seem more organized, but eh, whatever. The brackets are hardly necessary. As far as efficiency, i meant it more as 'because everything costs less, her normal sized endurance lasts longer', but looking on it i should have worded it better. As far as the other NAs, there's nothing more for me to write. They do no more nor less than exactly what they already say... The only exception being Mystic Eyes, which are a site-standardized skill anyways; all that was needed was to say that i had it.

Those Chess Needles don't 'already exist' so far as i know. Knowing that 'no idea is unique', it might exist somewhere, but i'm personally not basing them on anything. That also being said, they don't do any more nor less than exactly what's written. The 'not available yet' effects (Queen and Promotion) will be 'upgraded' later through the usual means, and determined then.

For the 'half tiers', i meant it along the lines of 'the peak speeds of this tier become the current minimum, the minimum speeds of the next tier become the current peak', although i suppose i should have specified that too.

For Grasping System... why would it fade when going to my next Release State? After all, they all have Grasping System too. I can understand giving it a time/post limit, though.

For the Z > KK shift-of-ability... the whole segment, or just the boost in efficiency?

As far as the 'Absolutes', i was told it'd be fine since the illusions wouldn't cause any physical damage (and hence can be completely and utterly ignored if my opponent knows they're illusions) and are limited to the context created by Anri at the time and as such it'd be far, far less cheap than 'any illusion at any given time' like one might expect her to be capable of if they don't read her ability carefully. Notably, even just closing your eyes would prevent more illusions from cropping up since you'd be missing some of the necessary context, as well as stopping the current illusions from harming you. Well, until you open them, anyways, which'd allow Anri to start crafting new illusions again.
Also, as far as why i say it 'can't be resisted', is that this is affecting the target's Eidos after all. Only Sugis are capable of messing with Eidos; if i used it on a Shini, Hollow, or Iramasha, it'd be impossible for them to 'fix' their Eidos since they naturally don't use psions. a Sugi could theoretically 'purge' this effect and return to 'normal', but would they realistically be able to comb through the entire information code of their body, find the 'anomaly', and return it to 'normal' in the midst of battle?
That's really the only reason it 'cannot be resisted'. If you have a generic method any species could use to fix their own Eidos on the spot, do tell and i'll replace the 'cannot be resisted' with it.

Also... can i ask what the problem with my Kyuu Kyou is? to be perfectly honest, i woulda assumed that the Zenou's 'reset' of my Castling would have been the 'largest problem'. i'm legit curious about what's so abuseable about my KK compared to the rest.

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Subject Post 4PostSubject: Re: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Tue Aug 15, 2017 10:42 am



~Some music for while you read~

@BloodredAi wrote:
In regards to personality:
Really? the template for Sugis didn't say. oh well, i'll fix it.

Look at the rules, in which it clearly states that ten sentences are required for a personality.

http://www.platinumhearts.net/t1-rules-must-read

@[THEFROST] wrote:
Appearance & Personality Sections: Appearance needs to be at least 5 DETAILED sentences. If you use simple sentences, it must be 10. Along with that, personality is generally at least two paragraph's with the same 5 to 10 sentences as appearance. This is to ensure that you have a pretty well developed character.

Moving on.

@BloodredAi wrote:
As far as the other NAs, there's nothing more for me to write. They do no more nor less than exactly what they already say... The only exception being Mystic Eyes, which are a site-standardized skill anyways; all that was needed was to say that i had it.

The only thing that I will make an exception of is the Mystic Eyes, as it is a racial ability that is available to all Sugiurans. You can C+P racial skill descriptions over, as that is allowed.

@BloodredAi wrote:
Castling can only be used once per needle, per scene

If "per scene" is meant to be your way of saying "post" or "thread", change it to reflect such.

@BloodredAi wrote:
As far as the 'Absolutes', i was told it'd be fine since the illusions wouldn't cause any physical damage (and hence can be completely and utterly ignored if my opponent knows they're illusions) and are limited to the context created by Anri at the time and as such it'd be far, far less cheap than 'any illusion at any given time' like one might expect her to be capable of if they don't read her ability carefully. Notably, even just closing your eyes would prevent more illusions from cropping up since you'd be missing some of the necessary context, as well as stopping the current illusions from harming you. Well, until you open them, anyways, which'd allow Anri to start crafting new illusions again.

Also, as far as why i say it 'can't be resisted', is that this is affecting the target's Eidos after all. Only Sugis are capable of messing with Eidos; if i used it on a Shini, Hollow, or Iramasha, it'd be impossible for them to 'fix' their Eidos since they naturally don't use psions. a Sugi could theoretically 'purge' this effect and return to 'normal', but would they realistically be able to comb through the entire information code of their body, find the 'anomaly', and return it to 'normal' in the midst of battle? That's really the only reason it 'cannot be resisted'. If you have a generic method any species could use to fix their own Eidos on the spot, do tell and i'll replace the 'cannot be resisted' with it.

Absolutes are not allowed on PH, period. I will quote the rules once again.

@[THEFROST] wrote:
Absolute Powers: When it comes to powers that are unavoidable, unstoppable, uncounterable or otherwise invincibile; we will not allow those. An example of this would be making an offensive ability that has the ability to send a wave of fire at the opponent and they cannot move out of the way, defend against it, counter it or seal it. There may be instances on the site, however, where we allow them for plot with admin approval. Such as to speed an event along, we may allow an action to take place to seal off the range where this event is taking place to prevent from any new intruders without proper explanation as to how they got their.

There are the very rare exceptions, and this is not one of them. How they are written now, they are god-modding skills that ensure things that should not be ensured.

@BloodredAi wrote:
For the 'half tiers', i meant it along the lines of 'the peak speeds of this tier become the current minimum, the minimum speeds of the next tier become the current peak', although i suppose i should have specified that too.

Still, no. This needs to be changed to exact skill levels, as I don't trust that one bit.

Quote :
For the Z > KK shift-of-ability... the whole segment, or just the boost in efficiency?

The entire section I quoted.

_________________________________

After these are fixed, all that's left is the addition of the RP Sample.
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Subject Post 5PostSubject: Re: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:28 am

Okay, so I will be taking over the checking of this application and doing my own judgement.

Quote :
» Sacred Weapon: Regulus Systematica
-A pair of gloves that connect to the Eidos of the target upon a touch, and via power of suggestion, overlays unto reality illusions vivid enough to induce psychosomatic effects.

-The illusion created depends on the gestures and body language of Anri, the dialogue, and other bits of context. These illusions, due to the nature of it's influence on the target's Eidos, cannot be dispelled by mental 'brute force'.

-This can be as lethal as a normal weapon, however. If the target's mind believes the illusion should have killed them, then their mind will shut down and truly die. Also notable is that only those touched by the glove or capable of reading minds can 'view' these illusions, since they only exist in the mind of the targets.

-Lastly, these effects persist through all release states, even if the release state does not mention these effects.
Alright, so the first thing is—this should be a released-state ability. It is too strong to just be natural. Second, there is a balancing issue here when it comes to becoming susceptible to the illusions as well as breaking them. Is the touch just a minor brush? Or does she have to actually grab someone? The first example would not be allowed. A good balance would be to make it two touches from each glove once a post (meaning in one post, she'd touch with the right glove and in the following post the left to gain the effect). This needs to be applied to further releases as well.

As mentioned too, there is an issue with breaking the illusions. As it reads, only a Sugiura can break the illusions. Knowing an illusion is just that and actually breaking the illusion are two very different things. Not being able to break it with Willpower is fine, but having an Adept or Advanced in Mental Deduction should break the illusions instead.

And as a further note, illusions are always watched heavily. If you abuse the ability, this character has a high chance of being denied until the illusion-based powerset is removed.

Quote :
-Pawn: These needles can be used for the En Passant chess technique. As such, the needles' shadows function as a second needle. Anri is still trying to make the Promotion functional.
Change the wording around to make it explain that En Passant is the ability that follows. It currently does not read that way upon first glance.

Quote :
-Rook: These needles fly in perfectly straight lines. When embedded into a surface, they can be used for Castling, a chess technique involving the repositioning of the Rook and the King. Castling can only be used once per needle, per scene
There needs to be more information on exactly what Castling does.

Quote :
Anri can now reach the full speeds of the next tier, albeit only in linear bursts.

This, and all further references to speed, need to refer to the skill system and not tiers. The two are not equatable.

That is what needs to be fixed. Once it is done, this character will be ready to be approved.
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Subject Post 6PostSubject: Re: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:22 am



It's been over a month since i've edited this character. i believe i remember something about WIPs being automatically archived or something in such a case? Well, regardless i'm basically dismantling this character anyways. i've lost interest in the character itself, although the concepts/'mechanics' are worth reuse.

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Subject Post 7PostSubject: Re: Regulus Systematica [FIN]   Sat Sep 30, 2017 7:27 pm

[adm]Archiving upon the user's request.[/adm]
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