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 Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]

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Ludalfa
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Subject Post 11PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Fri Aug 23, 2013 1:43 am

Application Checklist
  • Name [x]
  • Appropriate Age [x]
  • Gender [x]
  • Appearance Present [x]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [x]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [x]
  • 10 sentences for personality [o]
  • History is of appropriate length [x]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [o]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [o]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [x]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[x]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [x]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [x]


Will Skills
  • Willpower/Determination: Master/Advanced/Adept/Beginner
  • Mental Deduction: Master/Advanced/Adept/Beginner
  • Pain Endurance: Master/Advanced/Adept/Beginner
  • Focus: Master/Advanced/Adept/Beginner


Comments/Notes:
I got to say good app i congrat you. Their are a few issues that i see and i would like you to fix as soon as possible.

First is your personaility is too short i counted 9 sentences one short of the 10 required minimum.

Second thing is cross out Soul State Evolution Stage 3 Appearance and abilities you may not get these until 1 or 0 tier you can have it filled in but make sure its crossed out. use the slash tags [slash] [/slash]

now for the next issues with your abilities

Quote :
Crystal Aura - copies the colour of the last aura used, but the abilities are changed to the following: Absorbs nearby reishi, converting it into life energy for the user which can, over time, heal broken bones and even lost limbs if given enough time (10 and 25 posts respectively). This aura gives off a secondary effect based on the current colour or the aura. White: reduces the damage taken from enemy attacks slightly, Gold: significantly increases will power and increases healing by 20% while out of combat, Silver: increases healing by 5% while in combat and each consecutive strike increases the healing further by 1% per strike.
my issue with this you state a aura color that i seen none of your abilities provide so how would he gain the effects from it using this ability from that aura color. Also you state percentages for the rate he heals at in battle but what do they mean. does the 20% mean from his perfect condition? Also you stated it significantly increases will power so will using this ability boost his will even if at the point breaking? i have the same issue with the silver effect you state percentages he heals by but from what? the total post required to heal or from his perfect condition?


Quote :
Tele-Kinetic Blade
Upon coming into contact with an object, Akira can move the object freely with his tele-kinetic powers, turning it into a weapon from which he can use his abilities. When he used this ability upon an enemy or their weapon, he cannot fully control them, but can influence certain things they do which can be helpful or a hindrance depending on their friend-or-foe status. This power can be used in tandem with Sabato and DJango, giving it the ability to fire shockwaves upon his command and become cloaked when he deems it, in whatever colour aura he wants with the abilities of each intact. When he uses this ability, the object is marked with a small yin-yang sign that is usually hidden somewhere on it. This power can be undone by removing the mark through touch.
I think you shouldnt allow this ability to have control over people not even a slight control over them. i can understand weapons and objects but people no. this ability even though you said "cannot fully control them" means that you would have some type of control over them which could be seen as GMing in some cases. nothing else from the ability really bugs me though.

Quote :
This ability creates an identical copy if Akira's current weapons, and coats his weapons in a purple slag. This substance slowly 's erodes the target's reishi and with each hit, the amount it erodes by increases. Akira can also cause the slag to explode, damaging targets infected with it, thus removing said slag their system. The slag cannot affect Akira in anyway.
what gets me here is the wording. you state that akira can cause the stag to explode but how? you also state that eroding the stag removes it from their system so does this stag enter the victim's body? then you explode it while the stag is in their body? sorry if im misunderstanding this. this is how i am reading the ability based on wording. if that is the case then i would have to say no to this ability. all this really needs is rewording. also could you state how much stag the target would get after every strike or make an estimate.

Quote :
Akira generates a pitch black sphere within the palm of his hands. The destructive force of Eclipse is immense as when hits a target, aside form the damage it deals upon contact, fusing with the skin of the target then it behaves like a singularity, pulling all towards it before exploding, dealing additional damage to the body and all within the range of them explosion. If the aura Akira dons at the time is black, instead of fusing with the skin, it is absorbed into the body, then after 3 posts, it implodes instead dealing massive amounts of damage to the initial target only possibly causing massive amounts of internal damage.
after reading this sorta made me think what i thought before about your ability was correct. This does what i had thought about before. You state another aura color here i dont know where it came from and what are it's effects but at least write up all your aura and explain what they do or how you get to use them. i know your gold and silver are explained. i have to say no in general to this ability. you have an attack that fuses with the skin of your opponent? and if you have your black aura on you can have it infuse into their bodies and have it implode with in 3 posts. i have to say no to that. i can see the orb pulling in objects and causing them to explode as they touch it causing damage but fusing it with skin or making it implode in their bode. No.

please fix this before i can approve it. until then i wont give you your will sheet or tier. i would like you to expand on all your abilities if you can as well you can do good but the more you give out the more i have to go on. please note i did not look at your Soul State Evolution Stage 3 stuff as you will possibly not be getting a 1 tier or higher. you did good but work on everything and make improvements until then denied and moving to pending til changes are made for rechecking. if you have an issue with anything please feel free to PM or message me on xat. i am not always busy but i am easily distracted. good luck and work hard. i apologize if i happen to be too harsh.

Tier: TBA
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Akirashi
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Subject Post 12PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Fri Aug 23, 2013 8:28 am

Nah, not harsh at all. Am kinda glad....was rethinking some of my abilities and i agree based on what you're saying.The auras, kinda never explained 1, and the sphere thing, i see what you're saying the the fuse with skin thing.....was playing borderlands, and that it never had to stick to skin, so i guess i'll work with that. Thanks for the input though, i think its was pretty spot on.
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Subject Post 13PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Fri Aug 23, 2013 9:09 am

Ok, so i've made adjustments to most of the abilities and struck out the 3rd stage, so whats there doesn't matter right now. Soon readjust personality
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Subject Post 14PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Sun Aug 25, 2013 6:09 pm

Finished with all the changes that were asked of me. Lets see what up next.
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Subject Post 15PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:58 pm

Quote :

Eclipse
Akira generates a pitch black sphere within the palm of his hands. The destructive force of Eclipse is immense as when hits a target, aside form the damage it deals upon contact, then it behaves like a singularity, pulling all towards it before exploding, dealing additional damage to all within the range of them explosion. If the aura Akira dons at the time is black, the sphere can be left anywhere, pulling everything towards it and gathering reishi continuously for 3 posts, then, upon command, it can be set to explode, or upon contact with another being dealing massive amounts of damage.
You still mention a black cloak please detail it or remove it then i will be able to approve you. good job on rewriting the abilities. a little surprised you didn't go into detail about your cloaks would have been interesting. still please inform how you use your black cloak or remove it from the ability
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Subject Post 16PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Mon Aug 26, 2013 9:11 am

was thinking about the detail in the cloaks, but since i have another chance to do it...awesome..oh the black cloak thing...had removed it, but it never registered...good thing too
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Subject Post 17PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:01 pm

well, changed up a few things with the auras, maybe its a little too much? maybe not? well, I'm not sure, but I guess you'll be the judge of that.
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Subject Post 18PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:08 am

Application Checklist
  • Name [x]
  • Appropriate Age [x]
  • Gender [x]
  • Appearance Present [x]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [x]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [x]
  • 10 sentences for personality [x]
  • History is of appropriate length [x]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [x]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [x]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [x]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[x]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [x]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [x]


Will Skills
  • Willpower/Determination: Beginner
  • Mental Deduction: Adept
  • Pain Endurance:Beginner
  • Focus: Beginner


Comments/Notes: Please be careful with the possibility that these powers have the possibly of getting abused. So please do be careful i do not want to deny your app for that reason if issues do arise. as time passes i hope these abilities evolve into something more. thank you for taking the time to deal through the number of times i pointed things out

Tier: 3-1+
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Subject Post 19PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Wed Nov 06, 2013 2:49 pm


Aivee Clean-Up Time!
This member has left the site or is inactive! Therefore, I am placing this into archives! Don't worry, if you want it back, simply post Here!

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Subject Post 20PostSubject: Re: Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]   Sun Nov 10, 2013 3:01 pm

moving back to approved due to request.
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Akira Shinjiku [Approved 3-1+]
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