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Bleach Platinum Hearts RP
Welcome to Bleach Platinum Hearts RP! This is a Bleach Role Playing Forum set in the year 2416, over 400 years away from the Original Bleach's timeline. It has elements of both canon and custom for a unique mixture of role playing never seen before on Bleach. To get started, please sign up and read our starter guide:

https://www.platinumhearts.net/t13634-bleach-platinum-hearts-starter-s-guide

And again, welcome to our Bleach RP.
Bleach Platinum Hearts RP
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THEFROST
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[THEFROST]'s Writing Feedback Dump  Empty [THEFROST]'s Writing Feedback Dump

Thu Jan 11, 2018 4:35 am

«MY FEEDBACK DUMP THREAD»

You got two eyes, right? So I take it you read the title and know what this thread is for. I plan to use this thread to dump my feedback of other people's writing on the site.

This thread can also be used for others to request me to give my feedback on things they've created as I enjoy giving my two cents on writing.

With that cleared out of the way, welcome to my feedback dump~

As a note: all of these are my subjective opinions on what I feel could improve a persons writing. Always do your own research, never take anything I say as absolute truth and do not be afraid to experiment to find what works for your writing style.


Last edited by [THEFROST] on Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:42 pm

«MY FEEDBACK ON DARKFUNNEL»

I've got a few things to cover with your writing after having time observe it.

You have a tendency to repeat actions without putting a new twist or spin on them. For example, I've seen Kimitsuki kiss Liu in our thread quite a few number of times, but it doesn't seem like there has been a change in how the feeling advances as the thread progresses. You should focus on describing how things feel so that they can have a sense of being different or have more flare to them.

So, to give an example of what I mean:

"It slowly turned into a kiss on the neck, and then five more kisses on the neck before Kimitsuki simply nuzzled into Liu, her arms slipping under Liu's back and holding her tight."

If it were me, I would have written it like this in this instance:

"Moving her head down to the neck of the one she yearned to be the closest with in this world, Kimitsuki could not help but begin to bring her lips upon the bare skin of Liu's neck. Again, again and again; the emotion of desire filled her being and she craved to be embraced, held and cared for by The Devil as she drowned her in a series of kisses.

Eventually, this burning craving subsided for the time being and allowed for her to further enjoy the moment by brushing her face against the warmth of Liu's body; positoning herself to slide her arms under Liu's back, pull the demoness into herself and grasp her close so that pangs of her own isolation dissolved with each touch of The Liberating Devil."


Do you see what I mean by this? It's not the best writing out there, but there is certainly more emotion, passion and context of why Kimitsuki is making those actions and makes the reader feel more into the scene as a result of these sentiments being expressed in that passage. I would suggest spending time with your character, understanding their motives and then trying to execute the high amount of emotion that they feel; as demons are naturally emotional creatures and feed off of certain mental states and I feel her post could be even better if you were to incorporate some of these elements into it.

Additionally, something else that I feel would improve the quality of your post is thinking of different ways to describe a person. I don't mean the physical description, I'm referring to their name. As I pulled up a notepad and I think you've said "Liu" and "Kimitsuki" far more than myself in any of my post...and I'm the one RP'ing Liu. You should try to avoid, in general, using the same word more than once or twice in the same paragraph.

Let's take a look at what you did:

"She slowly lifted her head from Liu's neck, smiling at her as she pecked the Rakshasa beneath her on the lips; savoring the small kiss despite it was just that. She then continued to smile at Liu. Honestly, she wanted Liu in the way where they were naked under some sheets; not the kind where Kimitsuki ate Liu like she was some delectable meal. To be fair, if Kimitsuki was a different demon, Liu probably would be a delectable meal. However, Kimitsuki was Kimitsuki, she didn't need to eat Liu's flesh to sate the hunger she had. She simply needed Liu to sate that hunger, she didn't need to eat her, drink her blood, or anything. Having Liu in her arms felt enough for the demon, getting in bed with her would something that would likely cause Kimitsuki to gain a different type of hunger for Liu, much like the one she currently had(which is sexual desire), but that was for the future. And the possibilities are truly endless."

Do you see what I'm getting at? Use your browser to highlgiht "Liu" and "Kimitsuki" and you will see what I'm beginning to talk about.

I'll give you a short example of how I'd change it:

Your usage: " To be fair, if Kimitsuki was a different demon, Liu probably would be a delectable meal. However, Kimitsuki was Kimitsuki, she didn't need to eat Liu's flesh to sate the hunger she had."


My Usage: "If we are being honest here, if Kimitsuki had been born a different Demon, The Devil before her would most certainly be a delicious meal to die for. Yet, in spite of The Liberated Demoness being quite the feast to dine on, Kimitsuki could not change her inner nature. No. This Danava did not need to consume the flesh of her companion in order to sate the deep hunger she had for this special creature of hell."

Do you see what I mean now? I cut down heavily on the usage of repeating their names again, again and again.

A few suggestions to use to replace the excessive usage of names:

- Write down what Liu is to Kimitsuki. i.e. her companion, mistress, fellow demoness etc
- Describe what race Liu is, her physical looks or rank
- Try to use your imagination and think: "What could I put here other than her name?" if you've seen you've used her name more than 3-5 times in a paragraph or consider moving into a new paragraph.

You should also use this suggestion as I notice you have a tendenacy to use the same words in your paragraph's as well. Try an execrise of describing your scenes with new words, changing things up and learning to become more expressive with your creations.

Lastly, I'd advise that you be more concise. As I feel some paragraph's you make could have more power to them if you just addressed the point without repeating yourself in some instances. Remember that sometimes less is more.

If you apply all these practices, I'm certain you'll like the change in your writing.

@darkfunnel

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Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:16 pm
Leggo.

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Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:14 pm
I can't fancy up my request, but I'll take some feedback as well. If need be I can link you some stuff I've written recently

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[THEFROST]'s Writing Feedback Dump  Empty Re: [THEFROST]'s Writing Feedback Dump

Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:23 pm


§aga wrote:
Leggo.

Tsubine wrote:I can't fancy up my request, but I'll take some feedback as well. If need be I can link you some stuff I've written recently

Yar. I will need both of you to link me samples of what you want to be reviewed.

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Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:25 pm

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Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:33 pm

As this is one of the main threads I'm writing for right now, I'd like some feedback on the posts I've done for this thread, and what I could do to improve them.
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Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:37 pm

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Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:41 pm

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Fri Jan 12, 2018 5:39 pm

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