- SageLord of the Understream
Joined : 2013-11-04
Posts : 2339
Fri Jan 12, 2018 5:47 pm
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Henrex wanted some feedback on his application, and by feedback I mean "scrutinise my app, lemme feel it in my loins, S_E". If I did it on discord it would be a massive text-wall of multiple messages, and that's too much work for me :smugshrug: So with that in mind, I'll just make a thread for it and any subsequent requests so that he and anyone else can reference my criticisms, good and bad.
- SageLord of the Understream
Joined : 2013-11-04
Posts : 2339
Fri Jan 12, 2018 6:34 pm
HENREX WIP APPLICATION CRITICISMS
Uh, so first thing's first, like I said, use of pronoun variety. I mentioned it in discord before I started on this thread, but basically I'm foretelling an annoying amount of pronoun repetition without some sort of rhetoric technique in play. Just outright using the same pronoun for the same person of reference over and over again in quick succession. It's not a huge deal, but small things build up, yanno?
Legit though, you could've just said "he" the second time around.
Edit: okay, while I'm going through this I kind of just realised a lot of these small things like pronoun repetition occurs, and honestly they're all fairly minor writing issues, nothing really intrinsic to this application, so I'll leave them out for Frost to catch on to in his review of your individual threads. It's too much work for me to cover otherwise.
Synopsis Overview: I like the specifications in the application, covering supplementary detail not necessary to know who Henrex is as a person, but know what meaning he holds to the IC world. That said, especially with lines of detail not so-extensive (since it is just a synopsis), differentiating the bold in the app from normal text isn't easy to catch onto. The point of bolding is to have it stand out from the rest of the normal text, and it's not serving its purpose. Not a big deal, I'd just say find a remedy to it if possible. Honestly, it could just be my monitor, since it's at 4K and things take more to stand out on it when the text is smaller on it compared to a normal 1080. Again, really minor stuff.
Personality Structure: Good personality traits, a fantastic amount of detail in each trait and justifications for the development of each trait. The only thing I'd say that really brings all of it together is finding ways for these individual traits to come together and find emphasis off one another. The thing about personalities is that, for a person they typically all link to one another because their actions up until moments of complete contrast--which is still in their eyes justified if not cohesive--is consistent and fluid. There should be hints and inclusions of all personality traits within the other personality traits, because everything in a person comes together. There are already signs of his individual characteristics synergising and having similar roots or themes, but I'd say find some way to really incorporate all of them, at which point you'll have something real compelling.
This goes DOUBLY for his insanity. There are traces of insanity in his standard personality, and hints at transgressions leading him to a darker, deeper route, but really there should be very clear elements that tie his insanity to his normal self. Having a facade is fine, especially when deceit is a major point of theme for the character, but a realistic facade finds its realism in how relatable it is to a person's core, you know what I mean? I think the personality of both sides should showcase that more clearly and appropriately, as even though he has two fairly contrasting sides, they're both equally a part of Henrex. You've already done it to some degree, but take it to the next level is what I'm saying.
History: Should probably get to working on it.
Titanic Levels of Speed: Henrex is fast. Really fast. No, you don't understand, he's like, super duper fast. Sonic levels of fast.
There's a lot of repeating the same thing just to emphasise how fast the character is, which is fine, if it weren't for the fact that this repetition for the first few renditions literally offers no additional information aside from "faster than what I said one sentence ago". As is, it's just fluff, and should instead be replaced with either anecdotes of his speed and frames of reference with examples and application comparisons, or explanations of what dynamics Henrex's speed can be applied. As is, it's just a bit silly, and reading the first and last sentence gives me the picture well enough. Considering this is the hallmark trait of Henrex besides his swordsmanship? I'd reckon you want to really expound on this subject.
Otherwise, include justifications for his speed and explanations as to how he came to manifest a large focus on this aspect. Think about how you structured your personality traits. Most covers how he came to manifest these traits, how it impacts him and is applied in in-character situations, and where they may lead off into. I'd suggest doing this for all your traits, and exemplify that in his speed, other than making passing note that he's real fuckin' fast.
Section Structuring: Make clearer definitions of the sections. You've done well to group the many resources and qualities available to Henrex, but it's difficult to divide which groups begin and end where, aside from subtle headers per section. As I read it, it goes from Racial/General Skills, to physiological assets and natural dispositions like energies and varying race-derived qualities, then more specifically his unique traits, will powers, and minor anecdotes of his various other techniques.
Speaking of techniques, despite being a sword-focused speedster, he has a pitiful amount of sword and speed techniques. Maybe you just haven't really gotten to them yet, but that in itself can be an issue considering all these other traits. Speaking of which, this leads into my next point.
Theme: Honestly, while Henrex has decently clear themes to him, there's just so many. He seems overreached, going from Susanoo embodiment and a sword-focused speedster, to having his storm-zanpakuto derived from Susanoo; I mean, in general they all centre on one mass-embodying theme I suppose, but they spread out really far and thinly, and more specifically, you seem to be adding so many different qualities and assets at his disposal, like some Tsubasa-esque amalgamation, just all at once, so naturally it doesn't seem to work out as appropriately and efficiently.
Tsubasa and his clusterfuck of many-faceted abilities is operable as is due to his build-up and progression of the character, adding several things to him over-time, whereas it seems like a lot of things are just being thrown into Henrex in his WIP rework stage to exemplify his overarching theme without much concern for strong consistency. Just as the personality works, literally everything in his character should fluidly contribute to and lead into each other. His current array of abilities do accomplish this, which is commendable and more than a lot of others can say, and as is he's a pretty well-developed and well-put together character and character application. I'm just saying what would further improve this is adding details to more strongly tie everything in together, as opposed to furthering individual traits that at their core derive from a central theme, but don't really connect back into it at their tips. Do you get what I mean? To be fair, though, this may be an inherent trait by nature of his hybrid being, so it's going to be something hard to escape, but really impressive if you successfully pull it off.
Conclusion: Honestly, all in all Henrex's WIP App seems to be pretty well made thus far, and most of what I said is just further improvements to get him really going as a solid character sheet. Any further opinions is a bit more difficult to offer considering the incomplete status of the app, so if you want something more than what I've thus far offered, you're going to have to give me some more to work with.
- ImakuranSeasoned Member
- Joined : 2012-10-02
Posts : 1018
Age : 81
Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:02 pm
- Steiner FranzModerator
- Joined : 2015-11-26
Posts : 414
Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:10 pm
Talk shit about me, bitch.
Talk shit about me, bitch.
- SageLord of the Understream
Joined : 2013-11-04
Posts : 2339
Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:21 pm
CONTINUED ANALYSIS OF HENREX ASTILLON
Since Henrex wanted me to do a more depth'd analysis of Henrex's personality specifically, here it is. You bitch.
Henrex wrote:Therefore, one should never simply shrug off Henrex's determination as just being stubbornness, hot-headedness, or just a lot of will. It is anything but that, and interaction with the man will prove this.
Change this up. The entire paragraph has basically been admitting that, yeah in a lot of lighting and most perspectives Henrex is stubborn--but no, he's not stubborn. That obviously isn't true. Now this isn't to say that it's senseless. Henrex can still be stubborn, he's just stubborn with some purpose and justifiable reason to be steadfast.
Especially because the entire trait has been eluding to his stubbornness being a product of how deeply he desires to be validated. Doing the right thing, living up to expectations, and offering kindness has some returns to him; Henrex is absolutely stubborn, such that although he may not clearly view how the drivers have influenced him as far as the fortitude of his willpower, it's definitely structured what triggers this hard-set determination.
That said, I'd make note that he preserves through failure because of the minutely optimistic mindset of the validation at the end being worth the struggle. In this sense, it seems that Henrex is a man who finds the ends justify the means, which is hugely important because this can also lead into his traces of insanity.
Traces of Insanity: Remember how I said the personality traits should coincide with one another? The biggest and easiest representation of this is bridging one personality trait to another, and that's where the "ends justify the means" mentality comes in, as it can connect his Undying Willpower and Traces of Insanity, just as I've literally done between the two trait analyses right here.
Maybe Henrex doesn't really put full faith in the "ends justify the means" to its extremities, as kindness and compassion seems to be the right thing for him. That said, what I mean when I say the two can really connect here is that the end-result of being validated for his actions, hence inspiring in him a staunch willpower, can work as a display of obsessiveness.
Henrex is so determined to achieve his goals that, not only does it seem stubborn, but obsessive. This is where some conflict of personality comes in, and a vulnerability that humanises Henrex comes into play. When someone is ridiculously obsessive, it often comes off as insanity--hence traces of insanity. His willpower drives him to do crazy things, especially when a standard progression of events isn't cutting it for him, and he feels pushed to do something way out of the box to really get what he wants.
This exemplifies how ridiculously motivated he is when push comes to shove, as well as leading into minor bits of insanity, on top of also being a plausible bridge-point when you begin to describe Henrex in his full insanity mode, as this type of willpower is easily applied to his "other side", which is one of the things I was talking about when I said that his two contrasting personalities still stem from the same place and are therefore not too different. It also fits together with how the traces of insanity have come to him in more recent times and developments, as they correspond to the strengthening of his resolve.
By the way, you write that he endured abuse to strengthen him physiologically and physically. That's the same thing basically. I think you meant to write "psychologically and physically", which would make a lot more sense. That said, the explanation on how his insanity developed is good, and really let's the reader know that this part of him is justified, furthermore tying into his determination to keep going with the training despite it beginning to whittle him down. For the most part, this trait is well-constructed enough that there's little improving criticism I can offer on it.
What little I can provide is suggestions on specific justifications for his actualised notes of losing his shit. For example, why does he have auditory hallucinations? What events transpired that his insanity manifests as him hearing things? Let's say the voices he hears in his head. Maybe during the basically torturous training undergone from Arianda, Henrex kept his focus straight by telling himself to keep going, but inner doubts and desires to stop in his tracks because the training he endured was literally tearing him down, and instead of really quelling those doubts and contrasting feelings, he ignored and suppressed them.
So, now that he's successfully come out in-tact, the suppression on those feelings were lifted and the voices--having not been appropriately dealt with--are coming back to bite him, constantly plaguing his thoughts and actions. Remember, it's all about cohesion and connecting everything. His insanity can be a direct consequence of how his willpower functions, as it's not manifested in the same way as everyone else. Everything someone does, every trait in them, has a justification for it. No one is spontaneously impulsive without an ounce of rhyme or reason--it just appears that way because whoever does clearly mentally operates differently, and the cogs in their mind are functioning and connecting the actions as justified to themselves, just not to others.
Sadomasochism: Pretty much everything in sadomasochism hits all the details I touched on, so well done here. You have a clear link to the prior trait by noting the evolution of his sadomasochism through torturous training, and close it off with something that can lead into his guilt, that being how his sadistic side isn't as prevalent on the surface, but accepted by both sides of him even though it's a pleasure that contrasts with his intentions to be kind and compassionate and just--a guilty pleasure, you could call it.
Guilty: That said, you should definitely make note of his sadistic side playing a part to his guilt, which offers a solid and fluid bridge into his guilt characteristic. Otherwise, it's a wide gap you've just jumped, going from "he gets off on hurting enemies and calling it art", to "all the shit that weighs on him like family deaths feels like it's his fault". It's all the same emotion, all the same feeling, but different factors that contribute to its manifestation.
Honestly, after all these traits being gone over, either the following traits cover the bases I mentioned, or anything you can improve on with what I've said on the mentioned traits can just be applied to any traits thereafter. I've also given you the synopsis on Henrex as a character and what it takes to get him, or generally any other character, into something of quality and complexity. I'll re-post the stuff here to give you something hard to go off of aside from discord logs.
- 1. Base Personality: the overall gist of how the character come across
- 2. Justification: explanations for why the character seems the way they are
- 3. Contrast: all traits generally come with negative and positives, arrogance as a negative being the flipside of confidence as the positive
- 4. Vulnerabilities: relatability and humanising a character keeps them away from the whole "stu" persona that makes a character bland, one-dimensional, and overall lacking room for growth, the lattermost being vital to compelling characters
- 5. Consistency: contrasts and vulnearbilities add layers to a character, as even though people are simple, there's layers to their simplicity that begin to make them seem complex, and underneath one layer to them, there's something explaining why that layer exists, which contributes to the existence of a layer underneath that as well. Consistency is what ties everything together, what makes multi-faceted peoples and any semblance of differring personas in a single person make sense and seem justified, because even insane people don't do things without rhyme or reason; insane people just have unconventional reasons and rhymes for their actions, and understanding anybody requires knowing how that brain-wiring is, therefore contributing to the overall consistency of a person. This is what completes a character to seem more than just "complex", but also "compelling"
Now here's all that applied specifically to Henrex and how you can really add to his personality's quality.
- 1. Base Personality: Henrex's base personality is kind, determined, and timid
- 2. Justification: His upbringing and the events transpiring in his life had made him pursue validation through enacting kindness, and determined to reach that validation, his struggle being timidity because a lot about him has been suppressed both by himself and others
- 3. Contrast: despite being kind and determined and timid, his personality is perverted, not in a lewd sense, but that he's been twisted and largely impacted by crucial events that changes his frame of thought to something a little less conventional, hence his sadomasochism
- 4. Vulnerabilities: Henrex can be determined to a fault, seemingly obsessive in some ways, and his timidity makes it difficult to really reach that point of success that his determination pushes him to achieve, so while he has things he wants to do and means to achieve it, there are both outside and more prevalently inside forces that he needs to overcome to achieve his goals
- 5. Consistency: the events link to his individual traits, and those individual traits have given birth or development to others, like his obsessiveness to get what he wants making him endure arianda's training, despite it unraveling the instability in him at the cost of finding better management over it, which inherently also formed this sadomasochisms in him, and a part of that contrast can make him feel guilty, since he finds validation through being recognised for his kindness, and desipte that he also finds joy in inflicting pain, calling it artful even, that guilt being further fueled by a self-blame for the deaths of his family amongst other losses. So, as if to correct his wrongs and find salvation, Henrex makes it a point to be kind, recognition of that kindness being validation as if he's being offered redemption with every action, and the desire to find that inner peace continually fuels his unstoppable willpower
In that, Henrex basically covers all the bases, and fairly well even, so much that while you can tell he has more than one side to him, I was still able to for the most part describe his personality in a single discord message. Complexity without over-complication, that's what I think a major part of quality represents, and the aim of contrast between "quality" and "quantity", since they don't have to be synonymous.
- MorpheusDavolSeasoned Member
Joined : 2015-06-08
Posts : 1778
Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:31 pm
Hayden then atlas bish
- Mirja EeolaDemon Toy
- Joined : 2016-08-18
Posts : 5361
Location : Where ever a Space-girl can
Mon Jan 15, 2018 8:08 am
Unlike The Strangler above, I will actually provide links to what I want you to review.
- MikasasEstablished Member
- Joined : 2017-11-02
Posts : 178
Age : 24
Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:09 pm
https://www.platinumhearts.net/t19012-yuu-ikeda-finished g-go easy on me/s
Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum