I was sitting in a dark room, turned off all the electronics. I put my headphones in to hear some music to try to drown out everything for a bit. Found myself listening to strange music on repeat, couldn't switch from two songs. My heads fucked in that moment, can't get out all those thoughts I hate to think about. Criticizing myself harder than anyone else could, debating stuff I shouldn't. Came home to get away from those thoughts to get away from that monster. It worked for a while but it's back and i don't know how to handle it. i got really close today so close.
went back to the living downstairs closet and got my rifle case. i don't know it feels good having them in the room, just in case someone breaks in. took them out a few days ago because started thinking pretty weirdly. family doesn't think much of it with just it being me and my mom right now, since if someone broke in it would probably be me dealing with it. just decided to sit in my room for a bit and take the ar out, i like running my fingers of the rounds sometimes. i just popped a few rounds out of the magazine to just feel them in my hand for a bit, rolled them around. brassed tipped 5.56 kinda long. one was sorta deformed so i got rid of it, don't know how that happened. the tips felt sharp and shit so i pressed my thumb into the tip for a bit, until it hurt then i stopped.
just sat there for a good few moments. didn't really think about it, just listened to the music. eventually put the rounds back into the magazine and placed the rifle bag into the small corner i keep it. don't know what else to really do at this point. i came back to texas to get my head on straight and it was doing alright for some time, but doesn't feel like that. feels like something is wrong and it keeps coming back and all i wanna do is lay in bed again. got job orientation on the 24th. i hope doing something like that, working, will help deal with this.
i dont think i could kill myself. i think i objectively know the shit is bad. i just don't want to feel like this. i dont think people really get it, ya know? makes it feel like no one cares. i dont think people do, genuinely. sounds edgy. had to say it. one step at a time is the mantra right now. one day at a time. i wont do anything stupid.