Misery Loves Company (Arianda, Sabriel)

It had been oh so difficult for the Arrancar ever since that blasted invasion and after encountering Stella, Sabriel was in more of a state then ever. She felt that there was an enormous weight on her shoulders, robbing her of any moment of pleasure, a sensation that frightened her more than most. It was as if she was walking through mud and the dark haired woman could not focus upon anything. The normally calm and unflappable woman certainly did not appear so that day and as she entered Arianda’s abode and tried to make herself at home, her gaze would be unfocused, almost melancholic.

They had first met by chance but Sabriel had come to value Arianda dearly since that first encounter, with the two becoming so close over such a short space of time. She could not think of where else she could go besides her palace and for the moment, simply sitting around being waited on by her lust filled minions did not cause her to feel much joy. She needed to be somewhere quieter, where she could try and clear her head, talking to someone who could provide some insight rather than just the same old junk that her Hollows said to her. Oh, they adored her but she could not have a conversation with them.

Heading for the lounge and taking a seat on her friend’s beautiful couch, she would simply sit there, unsure if Arianda was even at home but at the moment, just being in her friend's home helped her heavy soul to relax a touch, even if she still lacked any of her usual enthusiasm. Ah, how much longer was she going to be plagued by this? She knew that she could not change the past and yet it did not bring her any comfort.

The moment Arianda emerged and approached her, Sabriel’s shoulders relaxed just a touch. To be in the presence of the woman was enough to at least slightly bring her out of her melancholic trance but there was no smile that formed on the Arrancar’s face, no teasing or soft kiss. Yet, there was a further reaction, with Sabriel leaning her head against the white haired woman, her breathing steadying now that she was in the embrace of someone she truly cared for.

Eventually, she would turn her head towards her fellow Arrancar, her purple eyes filled with sadness and uncertainty rather than their usual want. Well, she did want Arianda but not in the way that she normally did. Now, she wished for the white haired beauty to be there as her rock, someone she could simply be with without the fear of saying something that she would regret. There was a level of trust between the women that Sabriel was unsure she had with anyone else and that was why, beyond any other reason, she found herself coming to Arianda’s door, when she was at her worst.

“I am sorry for coming to you like this.” The Arrancar finally said, genuinely remorseful, that she was about to burden another with her own problems. “I have made a grave error in judgement and I did not know where else I could go. My aspect has come back to haunt me and now I find myself not knowing who to trust. I behaved like a fool and in doing so, I have put myself and those I care for at risk, all because of my blasted need to place the needs of others above my own, even when the person I help wishes for…destruction.”

As Arianda shifted position, Sabriel would do the same so that she was leaning fully against her fellow Arrancar. Just being with her was soothing and while the dark haired woman was not even close to feeling right, she was at least able to get through the fog that was clouding her mind. She expected to be asked about the source of her pain but even so, it took some time before she answered, trying to think about the right way to say it. Her explanation had not gone down all that well with Stella, which only caused the Arrancar to feel even more unsure.

“Months ago, I came across an Ex Shinigami named Akira. He had an axe to grind with the Gotei and we spoke at length about his hopes and dreams, as usual whenever I come across someone. An ambitious fellow, he talked about how he wished to see the organisation burn. Back then, I had a more of a negative view on the Gotei at the time and so it was rather easy for us to form an accord. We talked about many subjects but it always kept coming back around to his dislike for his fellow Shinigami. At the end of the conversation, I promised that if he ever actually went through with actually trying to fulfill his desire, I would be there to help him to do so.” She eventually said somberly, figuring that the truth was the only real way in the end to say it.

Falling silent briefly, she would sigh before carrying on. “I was sceptical that he would ever go through with his desire but to my great surprise, I received news that he had joined up with a band of Arrancar in order to attack the Soul Society. I felt that I had no choice but to accompany them on their endeavour, given that I had previously said I would. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I found myself on the battlefield, using my powers to manipulate Shinigami into slaughtering each other.”

In the back of her mind, Sabriel knew that Arianda was right but the Arrancar honestly had no idea how she could repay her previous actions. What could she possibly say or do to make up for the lives lost? It was not as if she could just click her fingers and they would all return to life. More than that though, she was concerned about the reaction from the Soul Society if she made any attempt to make things right. What would happen to her? Would she be thrown in a cell and left to rot? That frightened her more than anything, to be locked away from those she cared for, unable to fulfill her role in the world.

Eventually, she would turn so that she was facing Arianda directly, before wrapping her into an embrace and burying her head into the white haired woman’s shoulder. Her aura, normally filled with so much desire and lust, became completely saturated with unhappiness and fear, as she gave in completely. For the first time in who knows when, tears would start to fall, the dam finally breaking after so many years of listening to the unfortunate tales of those she had met, before finally being pushed over the edge by her own recent pain.

Her words when they did come, were almost inaudible as she started to shake with misery. “I do not know what to do now. My path for once is completely unknown to me and I do not even know how to start when it comes to making up for what I have done. After spending so long helping others fulfill their own desires, I have completely forgotten about what mine are. I feel so lost, even when I am in my palace, surrounded by those I know.”

The presence of Arianda was so comforting though and even as she fell apart, Sabriel felt oh so lucky that she was with someone who genuinely cared for her. In a world filled with false words and feelingless sex, it was rare that the dark haired woman ever felt a true bond and yet what had formed between herself and her fellow Arrancar was solid, like concrete. Where once she would have shivered at the word love, Sabriel now came to appreciate it.

The thought of helping those in Africa was not something she had considered but the dark haired Arrancar was not opposed to the thought. At that point, she was not opposed to much of anything, her mind scrambling for some goal to focus on. She has no real idea what she could do for them but perhaps by using her powers in the right way, there was some role that the Arrancar Of Lust could play. Honestly, she just felt so tired, tired of the misery and grief she witnessed every day. How long could a woman spend absorbing all of a person’s misery and attempting to turn it into joy, so to speak? She supposed she had found her answer to that question now.

For the first time in centuries, she found herself clinging to Arianda almost for dear life, as though she feared that the white haired woman would treat her in the same way as Stella. No, the Quincy had not been horrible but the reaction nonetheless had stunned Sabriel to her core. She had naively expected her friend to understand her and in the end, their friendship had been deeply shaken instead, perhaps never to be the same again. That stung, more than a blade to the stomach and that more than anything caused the dark haired woman to realise that she could no longer go on as she was. The last hammer blow that shattered her old way of life.

Attempting to do as Arianda requested, Sabriel would focus upon her, trying to remember the happy times that the two women had spent with one another recently. She would try to push away the misery and bury deeper into her own soul, to discover what she wanted, here and now. It was so strange. How could anyone struggle to know what they wanted? It was humiliating in one way but it was how she felt regardless. What was worse was that simply thinking of her own desires seemed to be causing a reaction, a sense of repulsion towards herself, as though her very core was trying to force her to remain chained to her task, to fulfill all desires…besides her own.

Yet, when the answer finally came to her, it was oh so obvious. The murky and miserable thoughts that plagued her mind would become replaced by a single image. One that helped to remove the enormous weight off of Sabriel’s shoulders. She did not have to carry the burden alone.

Finally, she would pull away from the embrace, her eyes red and puffy as she looked at Arianda. A watery smile trying to form across her face. “What do I desire?” She finally said gently. “I desire someone who cares for me. Someone who wants me in their lives not because they want something from me but because they want to be with me. Someone who will accept me as I am and who will help me through this.”

Placing a hand on the cheek of the Arrancar, she would chuckle, finally sounding at least a little more like herself. “I desire you, Ari, the one who makes me long to have my heart return.”

She paused briefly then but no longer than that. “My love.”