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Welcome to The Platinum Hearts Scroller. Here you can find our most recent Of the Year and Of the Season winners. Happy Roleplaying! --- Member of the Year: Locke --- Character of the Year: Alastair Eisfluch --- New Characters of the Year: Mizu Morikawa and Igendai Gyakusuma --- Social Thread of the Year: A Letter for Hymn --- Combat Thread of the Year: Raise Your Spirits --- Member of the Season: Paradigm --- Characters of the Season: Byakuya Kuchiki and Klein Schwarzwotan --- Applications of the Season: Armina Willsaam and Klein Schwarzwotan --- Fight Thread of the Season: Search and Destroy --- Social Thread of the Season: Damage Assessment --- Event Thread of the Season: Midnight Assault
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THEFROST
THEFROST
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OTY

Joined : 2010-06-03
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Age : 31
Location : Purgatory

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Admin Check Only Please Empty Re: Admin Check Only Please

Fri Jul 12, 2013 8:11 am

«-PREPARE TO BE REVIEWED-»



« Application Checklist »

• Let's Get Down To Business •

  • Name [X]
  • Appropriate Age [X]
  • Gender [X]
  • Appearance Present [X]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [X]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [X]
  • 10 sentences for personality [O]
  • History is of appropriate length [X]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [O]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [O]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [X]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[X]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [X]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [X]


« The Willsheet Checklist »

• And Comments/Fixes •

  • Willpower/Determination: NONE YET
  • Mental Deduction: NONE YET
  • Pain Endurance: NONE YET
  • Focus: NONE YET
  • Comments/Notes: Oh man, this is gonna take awhile. Let's get this bad boy started...

    Roxanne is usually cynical. She often chooses to be alone, mostly because of certain events that happened in her life. Many times, she sees the 'darker side' of things as opposed to the 'bright side'. Despite her gloomy personality, she is full capable of at least pretending to be happy, or understanding of another. Xan does have her happy moments, but even those seem pretty dull. She does seem a little brighter when talking to a person she's familiar and comfortable with, but a person she's comfortable with is extremely rare.

    That ain't going to fly with me. You do realize the minimum requirement for personality is ten sentences, correct? You are going to need to have ten full sentences in your characters personality for this application to be approved. There is no real way of getting around this for you. So please, be sure to make this the first thing you do with this app.

    Phantom Tech Abilities: One of the abilities gained from Phantom Tech is bondily reformation: it applies the same way as goo. The more pressure applied onto a part of her body, the harder it gets. It is taken further however, making the change in bodily hardness at a subatomic level. This ability exceeds most Heirro skins by far.

    This bothers for me a reason. If pressure keeps being applied to her body, what is the limit to which it can be taken? From what I read of this, it sounds like that if you keep hitting her, there is no end to this hardening effect. In my opinion, I believe it should be limited down to her organs. From there, you need to describe more detail about how this ability works and a name for it. How long does it last? How does it work? What sorts of attacks are not effective on it? What are the limits of it? Things like this need to be put in the revised version or you need to remove it.

    Phantom Tech Powers: A power given from Phantom tech is nigh omniscience. When needed, the Phantom Tech gathers information form virtually any recording, article, document, etc. that has been created.

    You do realize omniscience is the ability to know everything that is, was and ever will be, correct? This would imply that she is almost a god based on that fact. With that said, we do allow people to access data within their cyberbrains, but you are going to have to be a lot more descriptive than that. You'll need to cite the sources in which she obtains this data, how this gathers the knowledge and what networks allow her access to this. It's fine to use data from things like the Cybernet, free-data banks and other public data; but gathering ANY article/recording? Some things are just classified and there are defenses put in place to prevent people getting access to them.

    Another power given from Phantom Tech is to mold pre-existing objects into an entirely new objects, so long as the mass is similar. Basically, instantaneous alchemy (FMA).

    ..uhm, for a power like this, you are going to have to be way more descriptive than that. If we are dealing with instantaneous alchemy I'm going to need to know how this process works, how much energy is involved with each action taken with this power, the limits of this alchemy and why she has it in the first place. Therefore, you are going to either have to remove this or expand more on the idea as it's far too vague for my taste and that ain't gonna fly in my court.

    Name: Reiteki Fukashi
    Type: Defensive
    Effects: Reiteki Fukashi hides any Spiritual form of energy of whoever the Kidō is casted upon
    Incantation: Heed thy command, Reiteki Fukashi
    Notes: Works for 2 post

    Again, this is far too brief for my taste after reading everything with this Kidō. How does it mask the energy? How much energy does it take to sustain this effort? Can she apply it to others based on the wording of this Kidō? As from what I read, I believe she can even apply this to a whole range of people. Imagine if she were in a group of, say, one thousand shinigami. Could she perform this on a large-scale and mask any form of spiritual energy that radiates from them? I think you should expand this to around three to five sentences in my opinion.

    Name: Chikara Kyōyū
    Type: supportive
    Effects: Chikara Kyoyu is a technique used that shares energy with allies.
    Incantation: Grant grace, Chikara Kyoyu!
    Notes: The energy that is shared comes from Roxanne herself.

    ...u wot m8? You REALLY need to add more detail to the powers which you craft on this site. A technique that allows energy to be shared with allies? Ok, hunny, that is all well and good...but what is the limits of it? What is the area in which this Kidō move can affect others? Is it a hundred feet, or a hundred miles? How much does it tax your characters body, if it all? Do the effects of her enchancement last forever on the target of her choice, or does it last only a post or two? Are there augmentations associated with those whom she shares this bond with? These questions and more will need to be answered in the revised version of this Kidō, dude.

    Name: Chikara O Hitei
    Type: Offensive
    Effects: suppresses/slows/ceases increase in another's energy (reishi, chi, etc.).
    Incantation: Divert unto him a cretin, Chikara O Hitei!
    Notes: This is supposed to be created after her merge with the Sangsue. Reason being, cretin is of French origin

    ...nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You are going to need way more information in order to have a Kidō like this. While we do allow people to effect others spiritual energy, to an extent, they have more information in their powers than this. What is the range of this power? Is it within a radius the size of a city block, or an entire city? How in the hell does it perform these amazing feats of fancy? Are there any limits to this ability or anyway to counter it? Does this have any sort of strain on your character? Does she need physical contact ot make this power work, or is it done through her energy? m8, you got alot on your plate before you can use this. I'd either entirely revise this attribute or remove it altogether until you can get with the program.

    Shikai Description: The only difference is that the Zanpakutō turns into two (dual wield Zanpakutō). The design, size, shape, everything about the Zanpakutō doesn't change, expect for becoming doubled.

    Shikai Abilities: The shikai ability is somewhat similar to Aizen's, as it effects the targets through the senses. The difference, is the effect of the shikai and through which sense. The Shikai effects the target through their sense of recognition of energy. When the shikai is activated, any person who can sense it's release, in which its release shows a ridiculously fast, and small burst of reishi, will be affected. This away, only relatively higher leveled people (as inexperienced or weaker beings would not be able to recognise such a small and fast burst) are affected. The Shikai's ability is to impair an affected person's ability to sense energy completely. Everything else stays the same, just their ability to recognise energy (reishi, chi, etc.). The effects of the shikai cease when the Zanpakutō is reverted from Shikai form back into sealed form. Although the effect is small, it has to potential to be a large factor in a battle.

    No, no, no, AND NO. We do NOT allow people to have Shikai off the bat on the site unless they are given staff approval or have a justifiable reason. Therefore, you can keep the Shikai in question, but you'll have to strike it out in the application as it is not allowed. I'd also recommend trying to stray away from the Aizen-based Zanpakutō, as that will only run into issues as we never liked Aizen-Grade Illusions much. Not to mention, if you looked at the will section on the site, that does allow people to counter and fight these effects of the Shikai.

    Also, how fast is "ridiculously fast"? Is it within a few seconds? A few milliseconds? Instant? You need to describe that much as well. Also, does this apply to variable types of otherworldly energy on the site? Things such as Death Energy, Nature Energy, Chaos Energy and so forth. We have many sorts of sub-classes of energy on the site and I'd be curious to see if it effects those. Also, how does one sense this Shikai? Do they just detect the release of it, or do they have to see it with their own eyes?

    Human abilities:

    Name: Couteau Suisse
    Type: Multi Use
    Who Can Use It: Roxanne ONLY, for reasons stated in the notes.
    Information: The Couteau Suisse basically shapeshifts into whatever Roxanne wants (mostly physical object. Those are easier). In some cases, it can be a conductor of energy. The Couteau Suisse is indestructible.
    Notes: The Couteau Suisse was made and had a fragment of Roxanne's soul put into it, thereby making it indestructible, and forever bound to her. This was a large factor in her being able to keep her chi based powers. This is Roxanne's ONLY Universal Tool.
    She prefers using Geppo over Flash Step since Geppo was an ability she learned prior to flash step, as well as being quieter (silent). Before attaining a Sangsue, she was especially skilled with healing abilities.

    ...hahahahahahahahahahahahaha....NO. You are going to need to describe way more about these shapeshifts. Do they require energy for each morph? That means, that for each morph, is there any noticeable energy zapped from your characters body? On top of that, are there any limits to which she can shift? As in, can she form into something roughly the size of entire country? You see where I am going with this? You need far more detail in this shapeshifting ability as I hold one of the strongest shapeshifters on the site and know how far this power can go than you imagine.

    Also, how is it a conductor? What cases are these that you are talking about? I want you to elaborate more on that function of this equipment as it's far too vague for my taste, m8. Lastly, NOTHING IS INDESTRUCTIBLE ON THAT SITE? YOU CAN HAVE THINGS THAT ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DESTROY, BUT IT'S NOT INDESTRUCTIBLE!

    The Sangsue Stuff: Okay, I'm not even sure you want to go down that road or if it's even possible. From what I heard from the creator of that race, it's not even possible for something like this to occur because they are essentially mod souls. I might see this being able to work as a Ziamichi, but that's even more complicated than this. So what I believe you want is a half human, half Shinigami. As that's more reasonable to work with and what I believe you can deal with. So I may need you to remove all that Sangsue stuff or convert it to a Human/Shinigami format however you can.

    Also, some of that history is just...iffy. Having her master everything by the time she was a teenager? Sounds pretty...lame. I'd probably fix up some bits related to that as I didn't like that history much. And just who were these world professors who taught her all of this anyway?

    On top of that, NO SHIKAI IN THE HISTORY! We don't allow people to do that unless they have gotten consent from staff prior to the fact that they were approved for Shikai in their app in the first place.

    Alright, I'm fawking done with this. I'm not even going to bother with anything else until you fix that huge wall of stuff I mentioned above. You've got your work cut out for you on this app and I'm going to cut my review of your character her until you make a updated post saying you've corrected some of the things I pointed out in this application. For now, I'm going to move this into the pending section.

  • Tier: NONE YET


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