A Perfectly Normal Conversation [Minerva, Abalia]

It was not that Abalia was being dishonest with herself, though she would not say as much. Not because it might be seen as rude, or because it was incorrect. No, she simply knew that it would ultimately be simply pedantic to distinguish between that and the actual truth of the matter. It was not dishonesty, for she had always known the truth. She simply hoped that it would pass.

"I have not been happy for a great deal of my life, Minerva. I have not lived for my own sake, and I have never wished to. I have lived for my duty, for the good of the people. that was enough for me, and yet now I am a wife, a mother. I do not doubt that I can do these things. I do not doubt that my husband was happy, that my children will be raised well. But I cannot tell you that I am happy."

It was still all spoken in such hushed tones, a reserved manner of speech that did not necessarily seem unsure, but simply indicated that Abalia fully understood her situation.

"Perhaps I ought never have married. Perhaps I ought not have ever walked this path in the expectation that it might be what brought me happiness. But I cannot abandon it now, Minerva. I cannot leave my country, my daughters, this child I carry now, simply because I have made a mistake. If I am unhappy, is that not simply my responsibility to bear it?"

These things were not what Abalia knew much of. Her emotions had been deadened for as long as she could remember--even those things which sparked joy within her were fleeting, brief things. She had thought, for a time, that she had known what happiness was, what it was to feel as others did, but that had always been nothing more than wishful thinking, she supposed.

"I understand. Similar reasons are why I took up the role I did with the coalition Abalia. It's a noble thing to do.. though I suppose I still had that distinction. After my duty was done I had other things to pursue and fill me with joy."

Asking her if she was happy was the wrong approach Minerva realised after a while. It would probably have been more wise to ask if she was content, even when her life was the most miserable when she pursued a better Rukongai. Minerva could always lean on the fact she was content that she reached for that ideal.

"Of course, ultimately Abalia these are the choices we make and what we live with. I could never see you abandoning everything, your fortitude is far to strong. However, I think it's awful for you to resign yourself to that misery. Just because you can live through and carry it, it doesn't mean you should nor is it good for you."

After a small pause she pulled Abalia in a bit closer despite the fact she had a feeling that physical affection didn't really have as much weight for her as other people but it was the easiest way to remind her that people cared, someone cared.

Despite herself, and despite the distance she always felt from others, Abalia supposed that it was relieving in some way to know that there was another who understood her, even if not completely. Few did, she knew, and such a thought weighed heavily on one who was so dedicated to others.

"I see no other recourse for myself, Minerva. Such misery is, for me, not such an unthinkable fate. So long as I am able to work for the good of the people, and so long as I may look at my children with pride, what more might I ask for?"

Though it may have seemed as though it were a rhetorical question, Abalia in fact did not know the answer. To have felt even so little only reminded her how much she still did not feel; it had shown her exactly how far removed she was from any sort of normalcy, from the happiness that she had, to this point, sought out. To pursue love, to expect that within her lay simply the heart of a maiden begging to be given release, seemed so thoroughly foolish now.

She gave Abalia a reassuring pat, the type that wanted to tell her it was okay and that she had people caring about her. Someone right here now and she didn't agree with it. There was no need for her to submit herself to sufferring like this.

"For your own happiness Abalia. It's okay to want that, it's not selfish to long for your own satisfaction."

Oh it upset her to hear all this because it made her imagine if she was in this situation and that was just miserable to think about. Her hug advanced, wrapping around into a proper embrace while holding the poor woman into her bosom like she did when Rena was upset.

"Listen Abalia. You're not alone, and you're not powerless. If you need help, need someone. I'm always here and if it's within my power I will help you."

She did consider Abalia a genuine friend, this woman had done so much for her that she couldn't give enough for her in this life. The power to care for all these children, the purpose she gave Minerva and Julian after the announcement she made. Even the ultimate dream that seemed nothing but that had become a reality because of Abalia.

It hurt her to know Abalia had such weight on her.

"It is not a matter of self-satisfaction for me, Minerva. I do not even know what I might pursue at this point. I feel more free than I have in quite a long time now, closer than I have been to the life of duty that I always pursued. Is that wrong of me, in itself?"

Accepting Minerva's full embrace without argument, Abalia thought again about her situation. What ambititions did she have? She was unsure, and to be unsure was already thoroughly alien to her. It was not a matter of having difficulty with the decision. It was, rather, that she found no choice to make.

"I think I ought come here more often. But that will not change my place. I still will not know what would remove me from this situation. I have lied to countless people, and to be honest with them now would only cause tremendous strife."

"Well, I don't think it is. In fact, I think it's good. You're feelings of being free I think are an opportunity."

It was an opportunity for Abalia to look more at herself, look about what she wants or find those things and Minerva would gladly be that guide for her if she wanted. Something in the world would click for Abalia, though it might take some searching and Minerva would happily be the one to help her find it. A woman's happiness was important after all.

"A challenge is a challenge Abalia, they are things that we do and come out grown from them. Better or worse. Just because the answer is not immediately there doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Not that I think a hedonistic approach is what would fit you but something to satisfy you, as you, is what we'll find eventually."

The embrace was firmed up with a little reassuring squeeze as she finished. Going through hobbies or potential avenues of things that the woman in her arms might find satisfying for her, not just because other people expect it from her or she thinks that is what she needed to do.

"You like helping people, right? Even if you call it a duty of your's I can tell you get something out of it, especially with children. Don't think I don't notice how Rena and the children look at you when you come around. I think you like it too."

She said it with a little bit of teasing behind it. Children did seem like a good place to start and if Abalia wanted to come over more regularly then she couldn't say no. The littler ones would definitely enjoy it as well to see more of her around.

"Yes, I suppose that is true. You are correct that there is no satisfaction for me in the pursuit of pleasure for its own sake, but I would imagine that is not too terribly surprising."

Listening to Minerva speak about her interactions with the children only elicited a simple nod from Abalia. That much was true, and she would not think to deny it. Even if she felt very little, there was an unmistakable bond she felt with children, a desire to protect them and a natural understanding with them that she could not fully describe.

"I have always felt naturally protective of children, I suppose. Before I joined the Gotei, I would always feed the young ones around the bakery when I was able, and even now, with my myriad responsibilities, I do my utmost to help them."

Nodding in response Minerva did her best to reassure the woman in her arms. That was what she took pride in her ability to do, make people at ease even if those skills weren't always applied to very pleasant circumstances but this was a time she happily used them for a positive thing.

"Aww, that's so sweet. You're a good woman Abalia."

Minerva reaffirmed that again, she was a good person frankly because she was with everything Minerva knew of her and especially because she hoped Abalia felt easier with the knowledge in mind to counteract her awful feelings.

"So if you derive your joy from seeing others happy, does that make it a little easier to start?"

The next bit she bit her lip a little while contemplating whether or not to say it. It might be a little bit intrusive though Abalia had been nothing but open with her thus far and it easier to form the words.

"At the same time, you shouldn't put yourself in situations because you think it will make another happy. Your husband Abalia.. did you marry him because you wanted to love him, or because you thought it would make him happy because he loved you?"

It was something that had her thinking, especially with how extremely selfless she had made it clear she was. Minerva didn't want the woman in her arms to do it again, if she went to those extremes for other people's satisfaction.

"I have never thought much about whether or not I am a good person. I simply do what is necessary."

Considering Minerva's next questions more carefully, Abalia had no option but to look back on her life of the past few years. She still remembered quite vividly the moment that she had chosen to marry Desmond. She remembered the decisions she had made at the time, and everything that had led to them.

"I wished to make a decision for my own sake. To do something in the pursuit of my own happiness. But, had Desmond never told me that he loved me, I cannot say I would ever have pursued our marriage. I would not have even considered it. And yet, in that moment, I thought that surely I was doing the right thing for myself."

Abalia sighed then, a rare showing of emotion that simply seemed appropriate. What more was there to say on that topic?

"I hope you do not mind, Minerva, but I wish to ask about your love for Julian. I have heard many I know speak of love, but I often doubt that their understanding of it is correct, for one reason or another. I trust in your view. Please, simply tell me what it feels like."

A question that bubbled inside her when she asked, oh how she could talk about that for hours just putting into words all those passionate feelings and words but Abalia didn't have that much time to hear them to their end lest she stay the night. Regardless, Minerva was happy to indulge her and try to distract her from the harrowing question she had posed in regards to her marriage that she still questioned whether or not it was right for her to do that.

"Ahhh Abalia.."

She squeezed a little more of the woman into her bosom while she just thought of her response.

"It's like birds, Abalia."

No sooner had they left her mouth did she follow up. There was no time to question what she meant by just birds.

"When I see him come home it's like a flock of birds taking flight, when he touches me it's like hearing their sweet chirping and melodies of song in my head. A warm thing in my chest that just spreads throughout my body! That heat burns so much when I'm close to him and I feel like I'm going to catch fire when he kisses me or hugs me or lays on top of me."

Minerva spoke very much like a young woman still in love, no drop of passion from her had vanished in their time together and the very thought of trying to put her feelings into words sent her leaning a bit to far back and taking Abalia with her which caused her to give a surprised squeak before a girly giggle but that shock did snap her out of her explanation which could have gone on for hours.

"Being around him makes me think of the days when I was a little girl and would explore the woods around my home, watching and listening to the birds while they sang their songs to attract a partner. So... it feels like birds. I've been with many people Abalia but only one person makes me feel quite like that."