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 What doesn't kill you... Wasn't trying hard enough. [Mirja/Ceal]

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Chiraisu
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Subject Post 11PostSubject: Re: What doesn't kill you... Wasn't trying hard enough. [Mirja/Ceal]   Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:31 am



[PLAY POSTING MUSIC]




ENTER THE DEPTHS

Artist: N/A - Song: N/A - Word Count: N/A


There it was. There was the breakdown Ceal was so desperately trying to avoid, crumpling in an almost sobbing manner. That wasn't the cause of this visit at all right. This wasn't what was supposed to happen here right? Why did nothing in this moment make any sense to her? Mirja was walking, Tsu showed up out of nowhere, Mirja was being hateful, and Ceal was going to get auctioned off to the highest bidder? How did it all come to this?

”I... I don't understand any of this. I thought your visit today was to further training. Was I... was I wrong?”

She asked through her tears, trying to quickly gain her composure back after losing it. She didn't like showing weakness in front of this woman. She was so imposing and so.. powerful that she wanted to respect that by at least keeping a handle on her emotions but still, it was all too much for the poor girl.

”...Of course I know that there is more than one choice in life. I'm just... I guess I'm just so afraid of making choices for myself because I don't want everything to mess up. It's.. well it's happened to me before and because of that, because of that day I feel like I should be unworthy of making decisions, of dictating where I go or what I do. I'm afraid of choice, I'm afraid of the wrong choice. ...I guess at the end of the day if someone else made it, I don't have to feel as bad about it,”

She said, confessing some of her inner feelings to Ci, feelings about how she hated choice, how she fretted and feared about always making the wrong choice. She was terrified, petrified of choice. Of being able to decide something for herself. The last time this happened, she lost her family and was put into a coma.

”Yes, I know I'm weird, I know I'm messed up and ultimately I know that I may never get better. I'm just so scared of it. I did make at least one choice though. I decided I wanted Mirja to be a part of my heart. I wanted to be by her side, that was... and is, the first time in a very long time I have wanted something for the sake of wanting it. It has been the first time in so long that I made a decision out of selfishness.”

Ceal bowed low to the imposing woman in the door way, as if almost apologetic.

”I am sorry, Madam Tsu. You came out all this way but, I can not go with you, given those choices. I will do as you say, and speak with Mirja, but I do not wish to postpone my training very much. ”



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Subject Post 12PostSubject: Re: What doesn't kill you... Wasn't trying hard enough. [Mirja/Ceal]   Mon Oct 23, 2017 6:59 am


Madam Tsu




Ci Lan Tsu




Ci Lan Tsu did not stop her looming presence at all while Ceal spoke about not wanting to make choices because the last choice led her to some really bad shit. It was rather funny, in a way. She was so much like Mirja, who's choice had - unknown to her at the time - led her down a very long, painful path to get to where she was today. Had she just stayed home rather than doing out, she'd not nearly be as distressed and broken as she was today. It made Ci chuckle softly at the comparison of the two.

"Mirja made a similar choice once. One that mesed her life up for a long time. But she decided not to fear choice, as she was still human. Are you still human, Ceal? If you are so against making a choice, I can take you and turn you into an unthinking, unfeeling doll. Nothing to do in your life except look pretty and follow orders. You'll never have to make a decision in your life" Ci offered, rather sincirely, but it would appear Ceal was going down another path. A path of taking control for once in her life.

"Listen, little Fox. You will get hurt. You will feel despair, sometimes mounting to such that you feel you can never carry on again. Mirja felt it. A long time ago, she had a moment of deranged hysteria over her existence. Pretty horrible to watch actually. She collapsed to the ground and scratched at her head, splitting an old scar and causing it to bleed over her. But, if you are determined to go talk to her and to fight her decsion to your last breath, then I shall leave. Know that if you fail I will not be here, and you will have nobody left. This is the true moment of decision, litle Fox"

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Subject Post 13PostSubject: Re: What doesn't kill you... Wasn't trying hard enough. [Mirja/Ceal]   Mon Oct 23, 2017 4:05 pm



[PLAY POSTING MUSIC]




ENTER THE DEPTHS

Artist: N/A - Song: N/A - Word Count: N/A


While it was true that Ceal “did” want to go with Tsu, it was not for the reasons Tsu had said this trip would be for. No, if she went it was to further her learning of Tai Chi, learn and understand her Dantian, and learn about all of this as a whole. It was not for any of the other deprecating reasons, and because of this, she had to look Tsu in the eyes, her vision slowly coming back in a blurry mess.

”...Mirja did?” Ceal asked, her voice soft and full of curious wonder, Ceal's intrigue burning within her, ”I won't lie... I do fear choice, and I would rather have someone choose for me, but I don't want to be wholly unfeeling or unthinking. While it's true I like control taken from me, I don't want my feelings taken too... at least, not like this.” As she spoke, she grasped at her chest a familiar burning welling up inside of her that happened whenever she thought of Mirja, whenever she thought of that wonderful wolf and how she felt about her. It made her smile, as if thinking of a distant memory. ”No, I've decided Madam Tsu. I will not go with you, I will listen to Mirja's feelings and then I will tell her my choice. I will make my own decisions and finally get the stubborn Wolf to really accept me.”

Once again, Ceal bowed low to the imposing woman. ”However, I do not wish for this to be the last time I see you, Ci Lan Tsu, I still have training to do,”

With that, Ceal walked off, almost bumping into a wall as her blurred vision was sluggish to come out. Still, she would make it to the room that she had supposedly went into, feeling suddenly dizzy as she took a moment to sit down on her knees. She would be before the Wolf, but she wouldn't simply be the prey.

”Y-You've got some nerve, Wolf,” She started, trying to sound stern but failing as she stuttered. ”Saying all of these terrible things, going on as if I'm nothing to you.. Though they hurt, though I feel like I could cry at any moment, I know that... Well, I know that I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger because I know you don't really feel that way” Ceal was terrible at these long speeches of feelings, she could never quite seem to convey her emotions right in times like these, it always comes out wrong.

”...But I want you to know that this is the choice that 'I' made! To be here, to do this, to train in Tai Chi, these were all things that 'I' wanted to do. Sure.. you may have influenced me, but isn't that natural, because I love you? And.. and I know that I might be too clingy and I'm sorry for that, I know that I might force the brunt of decision onto you and I didn't realize just how that made you feel... if you want me to be the one making choices sometimes.. well, I can definitely do that, There are a great many... many things I'd wanna do with you, too! And that's not just because you told me to, but because I wanted to! ….M-Maybe I am a bit obsessed, but isn't that natural? Is it not a human thing? Perhaps I do think a little weirdly, in how I obtain value from others, but that value then becomes my value, too! Th-This is all probably coming out terribly wrong but.. but I don't know how else to say it. But, if you want me to fight for something that I myself believe in then I will, in-in fact, I would have done it even if you didn't tell me too, because I've already found that something! Maybe I am broken and flawed, but I still have my own goals and beliefs, I still have what makes me... me~”

She was trying to keep herself at a normal human level vocally, but anyone around could tell the strain on her voice was harsh, she was barely containing her feelings after the outburst in the door way, how could she not? This had all came to her so quickly and stunned her so completely that only now was she reeling in the depression caused by it.

”...This is probably the stage of depression where it's called Bargaining, isn't it?”


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Subject Post 14PostSubject: Re: What doesn't kill you... Wasn't trying hard enough. [Mirja/Ceal]   Mon Oct 23, 2017 4:18 pm



[PLAY POSTING MUSIC]




ENTER THE FLUFFY WOLF

Artist: N/A - Song: N/A - Word Count: N/A


The Fox said a lot, and Mirja just watched, with a smirk on her face and a general air of terror about her. She enjoyed looking down at Ceal and seeing her so desperately bargining for her sanity. What else could Mirja do but be amused by this in a dark and yet sort of facinating manner? Mirja was Mirja, after all. And nothing anything did would ever change that.

"Well then good" was all Mirja said, before there was a Nerve Pinch of Sleepy Sleepness. It was clear that it wasn't Mirja who had done it, since she hadn't moved, and even Mirja wasn't face enough to do it and then get back to the point of origin before Ceal could register the fact that she had gone. So clearly, the only other person who could have done it, was Madam Tsu. Which would also explain how it seemed to totally negate her demonic regeneration and anti-sleeping pinch powers. To Ceal's perception, she woke up as soon as she had hit the ground, but who could say how long it had been, with her laying like that on the ground, exposed to the elements. She was certainly cold enough for it to have been a while.

And there was Mirja. In a wheelchair, with a bowl of water in front of her, that she had been staring into. When Ceal awoke, she poured the water away, and looked down at the Fox.
"Well, well, well. You really are a mess, aren't you, my cute little pet?" Mirja gave Ceal a headpat and played with her ears a little. "Still, it is a good thing you came to the conclusion that you are you. Reach Heaven by Violence, little Ceal. Now get some sleep. Tommorow will be a long day"



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