Funny, The Ways We Grow [Abalia, Makoto, Yugiri]

"Hmm. I see, that's an interesting view to have. Many others would focus on needing to have power to maintain the leadership role they possess."

She sat back and gave a thoughtful look before returning to focus on Abalia.

"I suppose I believe I desire to be strong enough and able to defend in more ways than just being a good leader. I don't want to rely on others, I would rather they be allowed to rely on me. That probably sounds selfish, does it?"

It was said pretty soundly, maybe it sounded a bit cringe when she said it back to herself in her head. The desire for having others to rely on her, a constant reminder of trying to enjoy their company and not feel the loathing she held from afar.

One day she knew she'd be a person that she didn't get angry seeing at in the mirror because of her unwillingness to accept those flaws in herself. She'd work them out until they were gone.

"If I require strength to maintain my position, then I suspect that I have not done nearly well enough to justify keeping it. I wish to lead well enough that the strong will support me when strength is necessary."

Confident as always, Abalia gave Makoto a look that seemed the faintest degree reassuring. As much as a woman like Abalia was capable of, anyway.

"It is not selfish, no. I would think it is selfless to a degree that is self-destructive. There is nothing wrong with helping others, but remember two things. The first is that you cannot help others if you work yourself into an early grave. The second is that your well-being matters as much as any other woman's. It is a disservice to yourself not to consider it.

Perhaps that was hypocritical of Abalia to say, or may have at least seemed that way. She did not need much to get by, and had only recently put any consideration toward her own mental health. Still, the words had been genuine.

"I see, though I do suppose I am quite different to prioritise work over my own leisure. My peers I feel understand it's value a lot more than I. However, I do think my wellbeing is fine, I push myself as growth is found by testing ourselves. I stop when I feel like I need to and I continue when I am ready. Wellbeing is an important thing."

That was also hypocritical on her part, she had wanted to point out that Abalia's words didn't make sense when she worked harder than what Makoto thought anyone else did. Instead, she had just made an equally as hypocritical statement of herself.

However, Makoto did not feel like she was being untrue to herself by saying her wellbeing was fine. She was not fine, but she strived everyday to overcome those issues. She couldn't understand why there might be more beyond being self-aware and then acting to correct, if she was depressed was her headspace in the wrong to put herself through extensive measures to overcome that depression?

Makoto wasn't the type to get all philosophical though and just took a peek outside the window after saying her bit. It was nice having someone to talk to.

"But we both know it is not so easy to judge when we have pushed ourselves too far. That is why I watch you, and why you watch me."

Abalia simply gave her the faintest smile before returning her own attention to the street outside. There was so much to watch for, so much yet to be seen in the people--but, then, she saw a face she had surely not anticipated. It was just as well, however. Despite Abalia and Yugiri's history, she could not help but occasionally think back to the conversation the two had held, and about its aftermath. To be exiled from the Shihoin had always seemed to Abalia a rather grave reaction, but she supposed she understood. It may well have seemed as though Yugiri had been the one who pushed her to lessen the influence of the noble families.

"Forgive me, Miss Arima, I must step outside. There is someone I must speak with. I will not be long."

Standing with a bit of a rush, Abalia went out into the street, and caught up to her quarry within a few moments. When she spoke, it was not with the professional tone of the Captain Commander, nor the refinement of Lady Kyoraku. It was simply the polite, even voice of Abalia.

"It is a pleasure to find you here, Yugiri."

"Aha- Of course m'am."

It made her blush to hear it put like that, she did suppose that this is what happened, right? It was weird to think about. Abalia keeping an eye on her specifically, it really got her heated in the cheeks with a soft blush. Makoto didn't expect the sudden interruption though, not that she minded in any way.

"Of course, don't worry. Take as long as you need. I'll order some hot chocolate."

She did like that, sometimes. Sweet things weren't on the level of bitter for her but hot chocolate was as equally hit or miss for her. Some people just made them so grossly sweet that she didn't enjoy it, it couldn't hurt while she sat back and watched Abalia leave and try and hone in on what had caught her attention.

She looked familiar, why did she look so familiar to Makoto despite being sure they had never met. Was there some kind of gossip about her a while ago? Hmm. Oh well, it was Abalia's business and her drink was here.

"Hmm?"

Yugiri had visited to see Rio, something she occasionally did when she could get away with it. Her long hair hung down behind her thighs, flowing in a curtain of white blonde as she turned on her heel. Who had stopped her? Why'd that voice sound so familiar, it must have been a while since she heard it to not remember who it belonged to.

When she did turn around Yugiri had a vague idea why she might've been so willing to forget the voice associated with such a person in those first initial months of struggling to get over herself.

"Oh.. Captain Command... Lady Kyoraku?"

She had a moment of struggle, trying to figure out how this dynamic worked now. She was no longer Yugiri Shihoin, so was she to address her as a noblewoman? Did the title Captain Commander become more formally used by general people after her reforms? Yugiri never thought she'd have to consider these things again. She didn't sound like she was supporting either of those images Yugiri knew.

"Er.. Anyway, how are you?"

Start simple. Probe what Abalia wanted, Yugiri didn't really imagine how a reunion might go. She didn't even know what her angle was here. She was also overthinking it.

"You need not be so formal. Simply Abalia is acceptable, or Ms. Hayden if you do not feel comfortable with my given name."

Abalia appreciated Yugiri's efforts at politeness, but she did not particularly feel them necessary. She did not wish to impose more than she already was.

"I am as well as one might be, given recent events. I do not wish to inundate you with information about myself, however. Rather, I have occasionally thought to check on your well-being, though such a thing was naturally not feasible."

Bowing then, Abalia looked toward the ground, clearly fairly genuine in her intentions.

"I deeply apologize for what occurred in the wake of our meeting. It was not my intention to cause such discord for you. If there is anything I may do to amend this, please do not hesitate to ask it of me."

Once upon a time, Abalia would not have cared terribly much about this sort of thing. It would not have been a challenge to her ethics to simply send a woman into exile from her family for the greater good. But she knew that it had never been her intention in the first place, and that Yugiri's anger, however misguided it had been, had been in the pursuit of what she had believed best for the Soul Society. Beyond that, however, there was undeniably simply the fact that Abalia had, since that day, lived a much different life. She was a mother, a wife. She had felt what it was to have a family, and that certainly had colored her stance on the matter over time.

"Okay.. Abalia."

Now she definitely wanted something, people were always really nice and everything when they tried to lure you into being comfortable and then they drop all this crazy junk on you. Take her sister for example. Yugiri was definitely a little cynical about others that she didn't know, maybe that's just a result of growing up in the snakepit of the noble families.

"My wellbeing?"

Yugiri pouted at the statement, she didn't know how to feel about that kind of expression. Did it upset her? Anger her? Did it relieve her? It was such a mixed bag that she didn't know how to react and could only listen as Abalia continued. The missed opening was probably good to let the woman before her finish what she wanted to say.

"...You're sorry?"

It was such a strange thing for her to try and comprehend. This woman eviscerated her, ruined her and without so much as a moment to react to such a violent damning of her then proceeded to shame her and have her stripped of everything just for her own views that ran contrary to her own in the heat of a moment. It was a good thing she was not the type to care enough to keep up with the affairs of a certain Kuchiki boy or she might've felt jaded at the severity of her punishment.

"How am I meant to respond to this?"

Her words weren't combative or upset, she was just confused and wanted to know why, what did she want to hear?. Was she supposed to just say something like it's fine you did all that to me Abalia, I'll accept your apology to make you feel better about what you did? Was she meant to throw it back in her face and ask her if she even heard herself?

Yugiri wouldn't deny all the good that came out of what happened to her, she met people and her world opened up. She had grown as a person but everything that happened to her in the moment Abalia apologised for had no good in sight, it was a damning thing that had deprived her of so much.

"However you wish. I do not pretend that I am deserving of praise for this."

Abalia knew very well that the situation was not so clear as might ever have been considered ideal. In fact, it was one of the least clear she had been forced to consider. Most situations were black and white, a decision with a decided outcome and its inevitable further impact. But this situation had been one which, ultimately, might have been avoided. She had not particularly anticipated it.

"I am aware that neither my words nor my actions will change what occurred. I do not pretend that anything I might do for you would simply repair the past. But it would be wrong of me not to tell you such."

Standing up straight from her bow, Abalia now looked into Yugiri's eyes, and she wondered briefly what might have been had the two seen eye to eye. Abalia was not a woman who felt regret, and she would have done everything over again if it had been the only way to achieve the best for the Soul Society. But, that did not change the nature of her actions.

Her uncertainty lingered. On one hand she wanted to impulsively damn her and voice all the frustrations that plagued her for those months. The destruction of her will to live, her misery knowing that someone close to her was dying and she couldn't bare to be around him, like a constant reminder of what she had done. She wanted to scream at Abalia because she didn't understand. She didn't get it and that's why it was so hard to answer her.

Even if she let all that out to her right now, she'd acknowledge it but she wouldn't understand. She'd process it and not feel it. If Yugiri had learned one thing in their brief encounter it was that Abalia did not understand the hearts of people. She was everything Yugiri Shihoin had aspired to be to cut out all the unnecessary things of herself and be able to help everyone in the way she thought she could.

"I can't answer you, I can't so much as say how all this makes me feel because I don't think you'd get it."

Yugiri bit her lip and looked away, there was no point sugarcoating it. It wasn't out of disrespect or even disdain for Abalia that she didn't want to look her in the eye. She just felt like doing so reminded her of why it frustrated her that she didn't want to respond. It was that look her eyes seemed to have that made her uncomfortable.

There it was. The same words always levied toward her. Words spoken by Mirja, by Ulv, by Elyss. Words which haunted her every time she looked upon her daughter, words she had never once been told by the man she had sworn that she loved. Abalia knew, all too well, what it was that Yugiri meant. It was just as well that she had the reassuring words of Minerva to remind herself of, else the hollowness within her chest might well have been overbearing.

"You are correct. I would not understand, no matter how sincerely I wish to. That is why I have sought to make even these amends, whether you accept them or not. I do not understand, and that failure has caused you tragedy beyond that which I might ever feel. It is unjust, and I will not accept injustice."

She did not understand. She knew that she did not understand. All of the emotions which others felt, which drove them through rage, through love, through despair, meant nothing to the stone heart Abalia had within her chest. Minerva had assured her that this was not the case, but Abalia found that it seemed to be simple fact that she could never ignore.

She did not understand.