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Jesus. Jesus Christ. This shit was just like a fuckin rollercoaster, wasn't it? And that hand of hers sure wasn't fucking helping
. Did he mention that she looked super fucking cute? Because she did, she looked stupidly fucking cute like that, and he couldn't decide if he loved it or hated it. Honestly it was a little of both. Well, no, that wasn't true. He just loved it, the hate was more on him for getting so caught up in it.
Right, fuck, he was getting distracted. There was a big fuckin question on the table here, and he didn't want to just dodge it. He had to be honest with her, it'd just be shitty to not be. But did he love her? Like love
love? He uh...he actually didn't know. He'd never really been in love. That thought sort of ran into him like a freight train. He'd never loved anyone. Well, his sister he guessed. But that wasn't the same, he sure as fuck didn't see Nel like a sister.
He thought about her a lot. He wanted her to be happy. He liked spending his time with her. Wasn't that what love was? He just didn't know. He'd heard it was all that shit but still way more than that too. Alexander Vaugrenard was just genuinely so confused right now that he thought his head was gonna explode. But he still needed to answer her. So he could have thought about this carefully, given her a real measured response. But nah, fuck that. He was just gonna wing this bitch, give her the real from-the-heart.
“I've uh, I've never been in love. I dunno what it really feels like. I might love you, I can't really say. But I know I like you a lot. Like, way fuckin more than I've ever liked anyone, I don't even know how to really describe it, you know? I normally just kinda fuck around and go, I don't give a fuck about people. But Jesus Christ, Nel, I don't feel any of that with you. I just wanna be around you, I hate seeing you upset like this. I just want you to be happy, you know? I dunno if I love you, and I don't wanna lie to you and say I do. But fuck if I don't care more about you than I've ever cared about someone else.”
Well...that'd been a mouthful. He meant it though, and that was important, right?