- SlayerThicc Boi
- Joined : 2016-10-29
Posts : 717
Age : 21
Location : The Dance Floor
Sun Aug 20, 2023 10:23 pm
- SlayerThicc Boi
- Joined : 2016-10-29
Posts : 717
Age : 21
Location : The Dance Floor
Sat Sep 02, 2023 2:11 pm
- LillianVeteran Member
- Joined : 2017-03-31
Posts : 2734
Age : 22
Location : Beep beep i'm a sheep
Tue Sep 26, 2023 12:02 pm
- Initial Grading:
There is a 'Pandamona' mentioned in her personality, is this meant to be Goetia?
In Regards To Mentions of Nidhana 'limiting' Estelle's Intelligence
This is simply not something that would happen. There doesn't seem to be much purpose to this detail; Nidhana wouldn't intentionally limit the intellect or traits of her offspring, the opposite actually - the network only releases concepts with the best chances at successful survival and the gathering of knowledge. If you just want your character to be childish and a bit inept, that's fine, but don't pin that on Nidhana. You have many other avenues to attribute that to.
"When her Danva powers began to mature when she was 10 years old, Lucille was there to help guide her through the anxiety of the process. While she and her sister were somewhat close, when Goetia materialized and Estelle started her path of casting spells they became somewhat estranged."
Okay so, unlike other races, Danava are pretty much ready fresh from the oven, it would not take this long for her powers and especially not her Eternal Partner to manifest. She may be a ritual-borne Danava but the instinct to fulfill her concept would be existent from minute one.
"As the days past, Estelle grew in power and Goetia imparted more of his knowledge to her."
So I may be misunderstanding this, but I do want to make clear; While Eternal Partners can be intact enough to help their current iteration with things, Estelle would be both naturally driven and needed to look for and figure things out on her own. EPs are meant to be a baseline and a second opinion, not a full book.
"To try and get her mind off of things, Goetia gave her a task. A challenge.
"Kill 1 Billion Monsters.""
"To Estelle, it was set up as a grand quest, as her purpose in life. She was given the power so she can rid the world of its monsters, because that's what wizards did. Again, her undeveloped brain made it easier to sell to her and just as easy to get her invested through purely flowery prose."
Okay here's where things kinda start to be thrown off kilter. I understand that Estelle may not have been developed enough in the usage of spells to cure her mother, and she would have consequentially fallen into a depression, but this and what follows is just.. A strange solution for what she is representative of. Why would a Danava of Magic be interested in monster slaying to the point of being yanked out of her depression and getting right on to it? I don't see it, even with her naivete.
Wizards aren't even traditionally the ones to dispose of monsters if you're using it in a fictional sense, they're typically the aids of heroes, either giving them, making them, or directing them to magical artifacts or assisting them in the party.
"Tracking the prey and following it into a Garganta because "it looks pretty in there", Estelle was in Hueco Mundo for decades."
And here is where I feel the history just entirely derails. There is no way she's surviving by herself in Hueco Mundo for so long. If you wrote this and the following sections with the intent of creating justification for her Danava skills, this isn't going to cut it. This kind of Danava isn't going to develop their knowledge with sheer training, in fact most really shouldn't. Not to mention that she would be trapped here, she would have no way back!
Aside from her having no way to survive in Hueco Mundo, there isn't many avenues to even build her concept there. It's just sands and monsters, firing spells at things isn't going to help her grow. Not to mention, if she was just in Hueco Mundo taking down a bunch of hollows, she'd be messing with the balance. Shinigami would designate her a threat and hunt her down.
I would recommend entirely rethinking this latter part of the history, because with what you're going for, this does not work.
Recommendations For Adjustments
- A better foundation for her naivete would be that her mother sheltered her. Accidentally made a child that just has magic powers in a time where that just wouldn't be normal? She'd be a social pariah. Wanting to hide her away would be a natural consequence.
- Have more evidence of her gathering (or at least trying to!) knowledge in her life, be it reading books or being inspired by something from the outside world. She should be gravitating to things that could be used as means for spells or rituals, be it raw materials to create something or studying phenomena.
- While I believe you should make her a bit younger, she could be old enough to have outlived her mother. Like, her mother grew old and died, not succumbing to cancer at some midway point. If her lingering motivation is to bring her mother back, it would hit harder if it was a condition she genuinely would have no means of curing. It would also further justify her naive state if she just stayed sheltered for decades.
Nix the 'one billion monsters' thing, like entirely. It's a very out of left field thing to convince her to do something. A more grounded motivation could probably be, say, cutting the fat and wanting to figure a way to bring her mother back, or wanting to find a 'hero', or just full on burying herself into developing her concept. Just anything other than this.
As stated previously, remove any fault of this from Nidhana, it just doesn't make sense.
Please put down her Danava concept here; I only fully realized she was the Danava of Magic when I read Goetia's personality.
Okay, 75% of a blanket resistance is too much. Lower it to 50% and add a condition that she can only resist spells that are created by characters 2 SCs below her.
"Not only that, once she has seen the workings of a spell and has been hit by one, she can essentially copy it and add it to her own book of spells. "
While I can see where you are going with this, it kind of doesn't work with her Mental Deduction being so low. Being able to just copy any spell merely by witnessing and being hit by it is pretty out there, especially for a character explicitly stated to have difficulty learning. Remove this please.
Magic is Magic is Magic
Okay, the idea that this barely detracts from her energy pool doesn't work; everything requires energy to be used and characters have internal reserves for that reason. Estelle already has the benefit of a higher quantity of internal reserves, so rather than the current wording, I would suggest you make it a focus point of her spellcraft, making it easier for her to cast spells with more energy efficiency.
You can retain the idea that it's harder to do higher level spells without it if it's a tool meant for properly focusing and directing her energy. If this was your original intent, please adjust the wording.
Path of Embracing
"partially due to transcending to a point in which she is closer with Goetia ."
"Having reached more of a understanding with him on a physical level, "
Release states for Danava don't inherently bring them closer to their Eternal Partners, that's a different thing entirely. Their EPs aren't Zanpakuto spirits, and the goal isn't to get along with or become closer to them.
"Now being able to target the senses and minds of other people, though in a limited capacity at a time."
What does this mean? She can't just affect people's minds and senses with no further details. You need to add more here because I am unsure of what you're going for.
"No longer shackled by the need of physical matter to manipulate, her spells now supply the material she needs with them."
No. You cannot just straight up create matter to fuel yourself.
"This method of creation is weaker than alteration in every facet, though with the newly unlocked spells in her arsenal, their own sheer power tends to negate this downside."
Then what's the point of the downside if it's barely a problem?
Dark Days Ahead
While the spell's concept is fine, there is no way it's blocking out a sky for 24 hours. Also instead of city, designate the maximum influence either to her SC or a meter measurement.
The tracking is fine, but limit the distance to her SC. Cross-realm tracking is a no no.
Lucille's Blessed Tear
Spawning a city-sized 75 ft deep hole very much has combat application, it's way too much, that's something that would entirely change the terrain of an area and cause a lot of destruction that this application has not presented the capacity for. Both scale the maximum size down significantly to a meter measurement, and the depth of the hole.
Another ability that is way too much. Pare this back to only being able to affect individuals or low-scale environmental influence, like specific objects. No it cannot cover an entire city. Scale the max sphere of influence to her SC. Scale the ability for another to be affected by this spell with the target needing to be 3 SCs lower than her. No this spell cannot last a day.
Though most of this ability is fine... Wouldn't Estelle get zapped too? Electricity does travel through contact.
Entirely dispose of the time regression idea, remove the 24 hr timer and instead indicate she can only use it once per thread. Why is there a mention of repairing items in an ability stated to be for healing? Just make that a separate spell.
Again remove the regression idea, just leave it as restoration. Change the cooldown to use once per thread.
Limit the maximum amount she can double to her SC. Put a post counter on the regular usage, or else she could just cast this endlessly.
No, this spell should rely on the opposite party to laugh, or else the condition of laughter as a potential limitation is pointless. The infectious laughter should be able to be resisted by mental skills, namely Willpower.
Hell's Gaze Upon Heaven
This ability is far too broken in it's current state to be able to be balanced. It just isn't approvable.
Enlightenment of Flesh
Should also require the other player's permission.
The harmful condition should only be effectiveness should only be effective on characters 3 SCs below her. If the intent is to overcharge a target and cause them injury, the difference in power should be considerable enough for them to not handle it.
Monsters Maketh Men
You cannot reduce skill ranks with abilities, especially not permanently. This should be able to be resisted by Advanced level and up WP unless player permission has been granted. Just say the effects worsen by a set percentage per two posts.
Durability, General Speed, Strength
There are no traits or indications on her app that would put her over typical human levels. Drop these to beginner or add more details to justify them.
What is currently presented in the app represents an Adept level. Estelle does not come across as a Danava having hit the typically perceived limit for most of her kind, especially since she has been explicitly stated to be difficult with learning and retention. Please lower this.
She only has a single Atma Vatou with a pretty basic ability, her app represents a Beginner level, so please lower this or make adjustments to justify it.
Once again, nothing on her app indicates she would have a focus level higher than an average person. Lower it to Beginner.
Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum