I'm Not In The Closet, You're In The Closet [Abalia, Makoto]

This felt like her first break in a while, it was just her and herself. She'd been stuck with Julian and Elyss for the whole time, some of her small period of relief was spent with Shishiyuki which was arguably more pleasant than the others. Though she did like Julian, they seemed to respect each other's boundaries but nothing really compared to having her time alone and being allowed to sit in solitude.

Despite her casual clothes and the fact this was supposed to be her off time, Makoto didn't have a lot in the way of relaxation to do. She could read a book, go for a walk or anything but that didn't feel as productive as reviewing files and making sure they were all sorted and thoroughly done. She didn't want the standards to drop in her absence, not that she didn't trust her subordinates but she was just devoid of things to do.

"Hungh. It's so dull right now, waiting is the worst. It just like I'm wound up anticipating something."

She said to herself and no one else in particular, idly her attention kept wandering towards the files on the desk which felt like in forever since they were touched. It was nice not feeling like their shadow just lingered over her but the sudden proximity to them did coax her to standing up and idly running her hand over it.

It wasn't her. She was strangely confident about that, trust wasn't something that came naturally but she trusted Shishiyuki when she declared with certainty that it wasn't her. Part of her wished that she just stopped caring, let mysteries be mysteries and never feel inclined to pursue phantoms of the past. It wasn't healthy, she knew that, but it didn't change the fact that she couldn't just let it go.

Three sharp knocks at Makoto's door was all that Abalia felt necessary to announce her presence, and while she of course had the full authority to simply barge into the domicile, that was not exactly the sort of greeting she wished to offer someone she considered a friend.

Though, she supposed, knocking in silence was hardly much more personal.

"I do hope I've not come at a poor time, Makoto. May I come in?"

Abalia knew rather well that this wasn't exactly a particularly amazing greeting, either, but these sort of small interpersonal interactions were not her forte. Thankfully, Makoto was one of the few people who had every reason to understand this.

"Come in."

She called from across the living space, taking a peek down at the t-shirt and shorts she was wearing. They were practical enough to laze around in and also whenever she wanted to try and keep up with her physical routine but changing into her shihakusho for what she thought was a personal visit didn't really strike her as important. If anything, she imagined that she'd be more readily accepted if she did appear like she wasn't working.

A quick glance at the files on her floor made her accept that the illusion wasn't going to last and she was never so careless as to try and hide them or kick them under her bed out of sight. That was just irresponsible really.

"What's wrong ma... Abalia? Do you need anything?"

A wry smile and a small blush at the old habit that died hard but she did correct it so hopefully it would be okay. Straight to business though was the dutiful Fourth Seat, she assumed that Abalia wanted something and given they were on the assignment she grabbed a small pile of reports off her table she had began to compile and approached her with them. Her classic aversion strategy of doing excessive work showing very clearly through.

It hardly surprised Abalia to see that Makoto was working even while spending her time at home, and she frankly did not have the desire to tell her to cease. After all, Makoto's dedication had been rather tremendously helpful of late, and it was the least the Captain Commander could do not to chastise her for it.

"No, nothing in particular. I simply came to check on your personal state, and to enjoy my lunch with a friend rather than alone in my office. I hope there is no issue with that?"

Taking a polite seiza at one end of Makoto's table, Abalia simply studied her with a significantly less intense gaze than she would normally have applied in a social situation. For someone such as her, that was the closest she might reasonably come to a pleasant, agreeable expression.

"Have you been well? I do hope this assignment has not interfered too drastically with your own life."

"Of course not."

It was a pleasant surprise though Makoto did begin to crawl around the floor and collect up some of these files and reports, she did not want to have them all messily spread around the floor while they were eating and once they were all collected and put safely on her bed the young woman turned back to face Abalia to contemplate the question.

"I've been alright. I did volunteer after all, the only real impacted part of my life have been my lessons I've been taking with Shishiyuki but she seems to not be to drastically impacted. Otherwise, uhm. There's not really much that goes on in my life otherwise."

For some reason it was exceptionally embarrassing to feel like the fact that she brought it up as the only thing would make it the sole thing discussed, in theory anyway.

It actually gave Abalia a faint amount of pause to hear Makoto mention her teacher in such a manner as that. Had it been a mere slip of the tongue? No, that did not add up. Even in these casual circumstances, Makoto struggled to avoid proper titleage, but she had not hesitated to call a noble lady by first name. More pressingly, Makoto had answered a question about her own personal life by speaking of said woman.

Ah. That would explain the shift in her headwear, as well. Abalia might normally have considered it nothing more than a matter of convenience or personal preference, but it was a style that she had seen before, at Shin'o Academy.

"Is the Lady Koizumi your significant other?"

Abalia saw no sense in avoiding the question, seeing as she wished to know the answer. Once upon a time, it might have carried with it some faint degree of judgement, but she had, if nothing else, grown to have no particular issue with that lifestyle.

"..."

It was such a sudden thing that she almost questioned whether or not it was real and then she felt like she was suffocating from stress, is that what people thought? Did people suddenly think that they were a couple because they were student and teacher. Maybe the headband was a bit much, Makoto only ever intended to give her the ribbon but after receiving the headband she thought it'd be rude to not keep it safe on her person.

After a few attempts at forming words through quivering lips and her mortified expression she lost all sense of composure. This never happened since it wasn't all her feelings spewing out or stress getting to her. It was just utter disbelief at the situation that she was in.

"Uh... Uhhhhh. No!!!"

She shook her head.

"No. I'm not into women. It's not like that! W-we're just teacher and student, there's nothing weird about that. Who cares if I'm wearing her headband, it's just a good luck charm for my mission. Just because we spend a lot of time together doesn't mean anything. We're friends and platonic and not like that. You're overanalysing this-- That's like saying we're together just because we're friends and...Mphmmm."

Her voice trailed off and she shut herself up, she might have almost spilt the embarrassing fact that Shishiyuki had been in this room and that they'd bathed together but that's also not weird. She'd bathed with Elyss and Abalia, slept under the same roof as them. Nothing weird. It was just platonic. She was making a huge fuss over it regardless.

That was a rather violent reaction, frankly moreso than Abalia considered reasonable if the matter were in fact as straightforward as Makoto was insisting. It was good that Abalia had made dear friends with those well-versed on emotional matters, else she likely would never have been able to handle this with any sort of tact or respect.

"My apologies, Makoto. I did not intend to make such an untoward assumption. But, if I may offer a brief response, I did not ask anything regarding your choosing to wear her headband. Nevertheless, you quite vehemently defend the action."

Abalia's expression softened a touch, at least faintly close to that which she wore when dealing with her children. An expression of earnest care and affection, in whatever miniscule ways Abalia was capable of feeling those things for now.

"I have never known you to respond so emotionally to anything, whether professional or personal. She quite clearly means a great deal to you."

Her doubts , for now, went unspoken, only implied in her tone. They would get there in time.

The initial shock disappeared and she felt the humiliation set in, she didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to acknowledge it. Makoto wanted it buried away like everything else. Just to have something normal and not feel ashamed of something and the feeling that something she was confident in just being a fundamental factor of herself could be taken out of her grasp, twisted and bent and handed back to her only made it feel worse.

"She does but.. but not like that."

Her nails were digging into her palms with how tightly she had her hands closed like she wanted to grab hold of the red strings of fate and just unfurl this entire situation at its seams. It angered her, frustrated her so much to feel like she needed to explain it now just to justify herself.

"I'm not like that... I just want something to not be wrong with me. I just want to have something that I feel certain of but I can't. I'm not allowed. I hate people just for being people and I don't know why anymore, I obssess over the past because I can't let go of what happened, I hate people who used to look at me with pity when I was younger. I just dealt with it all and kept on moving forward and when I am content with my life. When I'm finally feeling like I have some semblance of stability and contentness. I just don't."

"Maybe to you it's no big deal, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of things to care who or what you love but it means more than that to me. It's just another part of my life that's torn away from my hands when I was happy with how it was before. It's not just about her or what she means to me, Abalia."

Makoto withdrew back into her shell. Her own demeanour settling down while she felt miserable. Laying out her own vulnerabilities, wondering to herself why she did it. She promised herself that this would be a fresh start to prove that she could leave all that behind her and become better but here she was sharing herself again. Setting herself up for the fall and so she silently awaited to hear whatever response Abalia had to her.

She didn't look aggressively ready to deny anything anymore. She just looked miserably at her hands in her lap.

It seemed that those Abalia held most dear were always the ones who proved most able to pierce to the depths of her being, perhaps even without intending to. Yet those words echoed in Abalia's mind even as she relaxed her posture, the firm seiza she had maintained now just a touch less sure. She did not look to Makoto, did not attempt to make eye contact. This was a matter more sensitive than that, far more than what she was herself prepared to help with. But she would try, regardless.

"I understand. That uncertainty in oneself is the very same thing that led to the assignment I have given you. I know, all too well, that there is a dread that seems near all-consuming when one cannot control a thing in their life. I do not pretend that I know your pain. It would only be disrespectful to claim that I do."

Bringing a hand almost idly to the ribbon she typically wore around her neck, an accessory she had chosen simply because she hoped it would convey some faint humanity, Abalia could only take a brief moment to organize her thoughts before continuing on.

"Your anger, your hate, is misplaced. But I do not need tell you that. You have had no one to share it with, and I suspect it has simply grown inside you with every passing day. In burying it, you allow yourself some small degree of peace. But just as my own idle peace is void of truth when my heart is empty, so too is yours when built on such hollow comfort as mere avoidance. The matter is not a question of Lady Koizumi for you. I understand that. But you have found yourself now in a situation where you must make a decision.

"Where does your faith lie, Makoto? Do you believe that those who care for you are wrong to do so? Do you believe that you will find no greater peace than that which you have built for yourself? How much do you trust in her, or in me, to know your heart and to put forth the effort to care for it?"

There was, however faint, a genuine passion in Abalia's voice, one few ever had any opportunity to hear. Such was the nature of friendship, she supposed.

"You wish for stability, Makoto? Then know I will not abandon you. I cannot promise anything greater, cannot control the turning of fate. But that which I can control is myself, my own action. And, unless you wish for me to leave, you may know that you are so dear to my heart that there is no force but death which would keep me from seeking that stability you desire."