I'll See You in Sierra (Cala/Saiko)

As Cala answered they were somewhere trapped between regret and hope as they spoke it. Their emotions at literal war with one another as Saiko blinked, rapidly, and before she said anything Cala was both worried they had said something too.... much.... and also hopeful it had caused the same effect on her as she did on them. Even if only for a moment, that stunned, quiet and yet thought-provoking rush was well..... how she always made them feel and now that they had a better way to identify it with her, they would say something.

Saiko's answer, however, brought that idea to a halt. Caused their vision to waver and pulse to quicken, a quiet, happy inhale coming from Cala and when Saiko rested her head on their shoulder they warmed up considerably. Though, what came next left Cala a little conflicted through the happiness. As Saiko's hand pressed over where Cala's heart would be, sinking in the fabric of the shrine maiden clothing to press on.... nothing.... Cala was sharply reminded of their existence as a Hollow. It was almost like a bucket of cold water to the face, a douse to their flame, but as Saiko bid them to relax they simply... did.

As if the water had been frozen mid-toss Cala simply.... let go of the tension. Her words brought about a guilty grimace from the Arrancar and they would look down, sheepishly fiddling their hands in their lap until Saiko looked up at them with eyes that made Cala think of individual, deep, mysterious and wonderful oceans. The fireworks would finally begin to fade and sputter and Cala pursed their lips and blew a small puff upward from their mouth, causing their hair to flip gently and as their body went lax they simply... shrugged. Their voice genuinely confused as they turned to look down at their hands.

"I-I suppose... something had to happen, h-huh?"

A sort of.... hurt would flow over Cala's features as their chest ached. They couldn't put it into words, yet, but something about what Saiko had said had hurt them deeply. A simple question, a sensible question, but still one that left them feeling..... horrible. Slowly, with tender gentleness, Cala's arm that Saiko rested on the shoulder of would blindly search for her hand and take it, squeezing it softly, seeming to draw strength from her touch as their eyes of a usual bright lavender appeared.... sunken in that moment. It was only after a moment of holding her hand that they drew in a shaky breathe and answered.

"I.... I don't know if you could say s-something happened. I-I mean... besides us... me... dying. Us becoming a Hollow... we remember bits of it, it's vague but umm..... in the same way that when I look at you I f-... feel... ermm...."

Cala glanced at Saiko before looking down at their joined hands and muttering.

"....H-...Home.... I think? Comfort... but also confusion. I'm sorry. I know I don't make any sense. But.... well.... we feel like for a time we could have become a much worse person than we are a-and... and that potential isn't gone. Our aspect, we remember going to the City of Lights. The Quincy h-had just.... suffered terribly. People died, the city was s-scarred..... People suffered."

Cala's hand would tighten it's squeeze on her own just a tiny but, their knuckles whitening but surprisingly their voice steadied itself due to her touch.

"In the moment we saw so much Loss, we became... enraptured. I met a Quincy then, who caught a building that was going to fall on us because we were justlikemothstoaflameandwedidn'tevenfeelalivenaymore and......."

Cala closed their eyes, a tear running down their cheek, and looked down at her, meeting Saiko's eyes with their own shimmering lavender orbs.

"That has been our whole existence, being fascinated... being addicted to Loss, to seeing other reduced to nothing, irreparably. Feeding on it, losing our minds and.... I-I'm worried one day we won't come back."

Cala went silent then, inhaling shakily, letting their words stay with Saiko as they leaned their own head over, resting it gently against her own. Their dark hair mixing together as Cala inhaled her scent gently. Slowly, bit by bit, calming.

For reasons too complicated for Cala to truly process in the moment Saiko giggling and stating she forgot they were a Hollow made them feel.... better. Saiko accepting their actions, listening to them, and from what Cala could tell, genuinely understand them made them feel.... better. The gentle squeezes she returned, in the dying embers of the fireworks, her fingers softly running through their hair as she pat their head to comfort them, all of it.... made them feel better. In her first response to their desires, she was distinctly correct, though her statement about them as a Hollow, what being a Hollow meant, stung severely compared to how wonderful everything else she said and did made them feel.

After that though, when she compared what they were to her own past, a past Cala had seen glimpses of already..... they gave a faint, almost imperceptible nod, their eyes widening as they stared back into her eyes. Cala's own pupils expanded to the point their lavender irises nearly vanished, like a faint corona of lavender light around a black hole, they stared at her. Barely registering her hand come down to rest on their shoulder Cala blinked, slowly, as she mentioned there being people who could help them, that Saiko did not want them to suffer. Those words.... left Cala in a state of boundless mixed emotions.

Even now, in so understanding a situation, they could not change what they were. Even now, here with someone who enchanted them completely, they could not shake that feeling from within. Even now, even now it felt like they failed to continue to improve in combatting that part of themselves as their mind began to race. To worry, to claw and scrape, to tear and demolish, at every bit of stability their mind attempted to grant itself. Every comforting thought and feeling that it used to bolster itself, and it was not enough. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

What was not said was as important as what was said, at least to Cala's lost mind, and as Cala simply stared at her suffer in silence is most certainly what they began to do. They couldn't bring themselves to speak, not for a long while, as their mind took from them even the comfort of her attempts to build them up. She had said others could help, others, or that there were... people? She didn't want to see us suffer.... but....

In truth Cala wanted to scream, but still they did not move, did not speak, and their body language was absolutely still. Their mind, or their aspect, or their self, whichever one, had ground to a halt as Cala slowly closed their eyes. They had been close, so close, to wounding their own heart. So close to the thought that Saiko would not help them, was telling them to find someone else to help them, and yet after the thoughts stopped, after silence reigned over their mind for a blissfully clear moment they realized how foolish a thought that was. She was helping right now, she was doing just that, what need had she to say it?

Lowering their head and their gaze Cala would nod, gently, and purse their lips in a slow, pensive motion. Their mind now strangely quiet, their other self still slumbering, and they would inhale a shaky breathe as they licked their lips and murmured in a quiet, distracted voice.

"Th-Thank you. That does s-scare us.... umm...."

Almost finding the quiet harder to deal with than the panic Cala shivered and draw Saiko's hand closer, their fingers gently lacing over the back of her hand as they clasped her.

"I think... I-I think I know why.... I worry so much. Why you seem so f-familiar, a-and... why you make me feel so wonderful a-and scare me."

Cala did not mean Saiko scared them in the traditional sense, no. She was the opposite of frightening to them, and even her power did not elicit their primal response from their other self and despite saying this Cala went silent, they did not know if they should continue, did saying it even change anything? Would it change anything? They doubted it but now they felt like their perception of a lot of things had shifted in that moment. Instead of speaking anymore Cala swallowed and simply murmured.

"I-I don't know... how it was f-for you. We seem so similar b-but.... o... okay. I don't want t-to be a burden, I don't want to be weak, I feel so lost right now but I think you're the o-only one who would know how to help me w-with..... all of it. Friends help. A-Ari helps. Aina helps our other half but.... h-how can I be better? What do I do? Wh-Who..... Who is here for me? The weak burden, the split freak, warring with themselves with no one having any reason to care....."

By now Cala was so emotionally exhausted, so close to numb and defeated they simply listened. The soft touches to their head, the feeling of their head on her shoulder, acting like some sort of odd orchestrator for Cala's thoughts. The touch and wind of her finger causing them to dance this way, a tap and swirl causing them to twirl that way, and so on. As Saiko mentioned for them to take things slow Cala gave a small, almost furtive nod, as if they didn't want it to be seen. Now that their mind had calmed some, now that their hair and head were being pet and played with, the quiet of their mind made them feel... guilty.

This feeling was only exacerbated as Saiko mentioned she would be there to help and it was with a sinking heart that Cala realized they felt guilt not because they had anymore pent up anxiety, not because they were scared of anything in this moment, but because of their inability to control themselves Saiko had largely missed her fireworks just to comfort them. A thought that made a cold feeling squeeze their stomach tightly, crush it even, but Cala was far too tired to have another bout of anxiety. For once a greater set of emotions smothered that cold feeling under mounting exhaustion and guilt and Cala didn't know what it meant that even with both those unpleasant emotions weighing down on them they still felt better than they would have without them.

As Saiko confirmed they were not a burden they nodded, softly, and would swallow gently before muttering an apology.

"I-I'm sorry if me being this way ruined the fireworks. I-I just wanted to help you have a good time, get away from your... your own split self and maybe try to figure out why you make me feel the way you do but...."

Cala shook their head

"... I don't feel like anything has changed. Just the emotions. It's almost scary but you are a wonderful person s-so... I... I guess it could be worse."

Softly Cala would lift their joined hands up so they could see them and begin pulling as if to separate them but never quite completing the act as they grimaced. Their voice a low, contemplative murmur as they returned to simply holding Saiko's hand.

"You know w-what it's like.... to be at war with yourself. E-Except for me..... my other self is helping, the other voice inside is a good one but.... it's the... the instincts we have, the things that aren't a voice, that torment us. We're just as much monster as a person, and it f-feels futile sometimes."

At Saiko's insistence to stop being so hard on themselves Cala... was a bit surprised as Saiko bonked them on the head. Their lavender eyes widening and blinking quickly as it was almost as if she had simply hit a reset button inside their head. Her next words, about not seeing their efforts against what lay inside as futile, those struck a chord with Cala. Their lips pursed tightly in thought Cala blinked as Saiko stood, only to yelp quietly as Saiko picked them up with no effort, Cala's arms quickly encircling her neck as their legs kicked gently.

With their eyes squeezing shut as the wind whipped by them, their raven hair billowing softly, when Cala next blinked open their eyes they looked up Saiko, shrouded in a spread of hair as black as night, aqua eyes all but glowing against the backdrop of the moon itself and.... their heart skipped a beat. Oceanic blue and brilliant lavender swirled and coalesced against the stark white of the bright moon, a dancing, flowing mixture of color and expression that made Cala's hands clench in appreciation. Softly scraping the back of Saiko's neck by accident as they peeked down at the forest below. Seeing where they camped, the animals, the streams, all of it so beautiful.

As Saiko made her point, soft and in a nurturing tone, Cala's breathe softened and quickened. A vague sense of understanding and excitement fluttering in their stomach as they swallowed down the dryness in their throat. Cala would look into Saiko's eyes for a long moment, their expression unreadable but internally they were tensing all over and mustering themselves to ask a question, only to drop their eyes and look at the center of Saiko's chest instead. Their arms tightening around her neck softly as they murmured.

"To change.... to improve a-and try to be happy......the first step.... i-is to choose to try e-even if it seems hopeless? T-To do your best no matter how much it hurts a-and those urges tell us i-it won't matter? R-Right?"

Cala would tense if they moved any, they didn't want to go down yet, they wanted to stay here, in the clouds and the sky, with their own personal angel if only for a bit longer. Knowing that, just like how their urges and made them feel, eventually it was pointless and they would have to go back down eventually. But for this moment, truly, Cala wished to remain right here.

After asking that question Cala's ears were full of the sound of their racing pulse, a tenseness to them they knew the exact cause of, a shortness of breathe they could not stop, and an anxious grip around Saiko's neck they couldn't let go of. Cala had meant to move the moment Saiko confirmed their question, the moment she said 'Bingo' Cala's entire body tensed, as if they were scared and they mentally kicked themselves. Intense worry causing their pulse to THRUM through their body so that by the time Saiko said 'You got it' Cala leaned up, fueled by anxiety and worry that they had already messed up what they intended, their lips briefly grazed Saiko's in a feather-soft touch. A brief, fleeting thing that Cala was too worried to put emotion into, acting too much on instinct to deepen, and it was over in a mere moment.

Her observations about the Joe schmoe and the village would go, likely unsaid as Cala slowly pulled back and looked away. They felt.... almost guilty? They were not good at these things, they barely knew what they were to begin with, and really only knew what their other self had told them. In truth they didn't even know how to truly kiss anyone and they could only imagine how clumsy their own had just been but, slowly, heavily swallowing down their fear they drew in a breathe that made their body shake in her arms as they murmured softly.

"I-.... I tried."

Closing their eyes Cala would wait to be dropped, or otherwise rebuffed, and in the silence following their words they murmured.

"E-Even though it seems impossible. E-Even though I feel like I am going to fail n-not because of you but... because of me.... I hope th-that makes things clearer. A Hollow that wants to love a Shinigami..... doomed to failure. But f-for you..... I tried."

The words hurt, very much, so much that Cala felt a spreading arctic chill in the pit of their stomach. Confusion suffusing their very being as they pondered over the things their other self had told them. Wasn't love, or affection, supposed to feel good? Were they supposed to feel like they were expected to fail? They had no idea but even as that chilling feeling deepened inside them they finally raised their eyes to look into Saiko's, steeled what remained of their nerve, and murmured.

"A-And I would keep trying, if it's what you w-wanted...."