Crumbled [ Temp/Perm Leave ]

Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:09 am

Nothing fancy than this.

Yes, as you can all see, this time, i'm not gone for 1-2 days, its just an indefinite time to disappearing. I'm not sure where or what i should do from now, and stress actually overtook my guts on my time in Florida. I 'used' to be looking forward with what i've planned for Sou and his part in the site, but even after i took a rest and stopped roleplaying for some time, i don't feel anything, no muse, no guts, i just lost my fuel to run my part in this site. I've owed a lot to this site to be honest, if it weren't for all of you, i'd crumble long before then, but now, things happened here and there, personally, i don't even feel appropriate to share, so i'll close this case for now.

Otherwise, as you can see, my personality went through huge changes. I thought it through and i finally gave up trying to be this one 'dick-sucking, happy-go-lucky, dramatic, gutsy' man. I'm done with that side of me, i felt really stupid being that and looking back, i notice i'm a huge dick just being that even if its just the jokes. I know i'm causing drama and all of you are pretty much tired of dealing with me, but i couldn't shake this negativity off of me ever since i came to Florida. I really much want to play the role of being mature and more open-minded about things, but sadly, Cookies has officially crumbled from here.

Studies, work, permanent residence, all of that took down on me in a foreign land that i stand in. I want to stop being a dick to others, and i really feel guilty doing this, but i've lost the moment of what i think of 'roleplay'. No, its not childish, in fact, its one thing that kept me close with all of you and what i see as a family when i have none, and getting to experience that & to be surrounded with love was the greatest thing i can ask for, but now, i'm nothing but a pool of depression with what i am currently in real life, sitting on my chair and typing this as if i stopped caring everything altogether. I apologize that you have to deal with my drama, especially Frost, Kyle, Blade, Lionus, Lilith, and everyone else in the site whom i loved dearly and still am until now. But i can't keep on the happy ego i used to have, sorry. I appreciate everyone's help, but i don't see the will to move on.

However, wait. It doesn't mean that i have ultimately decided to quit roleplaying and PH altogether, but it is a decision that will still be on hold until things have settled down. Until i really find myself that i've lost the will and energy to even roleplay anymore, i'll post it up. If i intend to return, it may be because i may have found something inspirational to keep me going. All of you are an inspiration to me, but i can't keep on any longer. Its tiring, its stressful, in fact, i hesitated to come back to the site only to find myself unable to find the mood to post. Anyone who thinks that changing my personality was a stupid thing, most of you would know that i was a huge dick to everyone just by making dick jokes, and i understand that i make a few people very uncomfortable of me. I've just gained a perspective of myself, and decided to.. grow up a little from here. I won't say that i have depression, a disorder, a sickness, cancer or AIDs, i'm just starting to gain negativity here & there, and i don't really feel up to shape as i used to be. I know my perspective is a bit.. bad of a rotten egg, but i can't shake it off, i just can't do it any longer.

All in all, i've explained the reasons and what's happening to me as of lately due to the sudden disappearance that i stopped visiting both xat and skype altogether, and i even sent Frost a message about my situation, but instead of just not say anything to everyone else and leave it, its better that i break it to all of you, i am leaving for an indefinite amount of time. I'm drained, tired, lack of any self-esteem, and most of all, too selfish for my own good. Its not anyone's fault, neither the site, everyone is apart of my family and i love it, but i only leave because of myself and wasn't strong enough to endure what's ahead of me, and got me where i am right now. So, pass the message on, 'There was a once badass Cookie that lived in this site and made horrendous jokes'. For now, i'll see you all soon, or later, i guess.

Wed Nov 18, 2015 8:48 pm

Update: Negative things has really got onto me not too long ago a few weeks back, but lately, i've been trying my best to stabilize my life in Florida and trying to start working & studying for college at the same time in order to straighten up myself, upgrade to a better lifestyle and maybe, eventually, i can start returning back to PH again, but the time it'll take is still indefinite. I don't know when, where and what day will i return but once everything is stable again, i will return. Otherwise, sorry for handling my drama.

Thu Nov 19, 2015 6:28 am

Cookies, you are our friend, so it isn't drama. If you have something you need to get off your chest, you are fine to vent to us. I wouldn't outright leave the site as opposed to just chilling on skype, chatbox and xat with us until things straighten out. We just want you to be good because we know you are going through a hard time. So just hang in there and keep using GUTS my man!

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