Rashomon [Makoto, Shishiyuki]

"..."

Her dull expression lit up for a second and it was like a spark that brought her back to life though it was mostly in frustration that she became so animated again.

"I'm tired!"

She admitted it as much as she didn't want to. All the weariness she felt, the way she never stopped working and felt like she was just running on a hamsterwheel. Always trying to go forward but with no success.

"I'm tired of being deprived of sleep, I'm tired of working myself to the point of exhaustion for the sake of trying to improve. I'm tired of trying to engage with people and looking for reasons to like them. I feel like I'm a liar, putting up a facade for people around me because I don't want to be a barbaric monster. If you know the answer then tell me, tell me how to not be this way because I'm running out of things to try."

Makoto just leaned over the kotatsu, sighing at the whole thing while looking away from Shishiyuki. It was a lot more snappier than she wanted it to be.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not about liking everyone individually, I don't want to look at someone and my first thoughts to be distrust or loathing for them in my head just because they're another person. I don't want to have to feel uncomfortable or be paranoid around others."

She gave a small smile though it looked sad, for some reason it felt like she handled everything better before she let people into her life and started to consider people as anything more than acquaintances. Saki, Abalia, Shishiyuki. She wondered if maybe having people that meant something to her messed with that balance since she didn't want to fail then and so she worked harder until it became too hard.

"Yet if I am a monster, it doesn't matter if it's hidden. I... I don't want to be one. I think of my mother and the kind of person I am. I can't stand it, I can't stand what she'd think if she saw the kind of woman I've become."

As she finished there was a small pause but it didn't last since she interjected to clarify something.

"It's not about what others want me to be, it's about the person I want to be. I should be proud, I should look at the fact I've served in the Gotei for such a short amount of time and made it to Fourth Seated Officer. I should look at the fact I have my shikai and am a capable shinigami at this young an age but it all feels worthless to me. None of these achievements feel satisfying when it doesn't change the fact I am no different to the woman who I watched start a massacre for her own satisfaction."

What a terrifying thought, being vulnerable, giving people trust and having faith in the better qualities of people. It felt harder than the idea of being given a suicide mission, the very idea of dying didn't come close to the utter misery she experienced at being taken advantage of and abused by people of greater power. Dying was at its core easy after all, it was to continue living and suffering that was harder.

The hardest part of that advice was that it ran contrary to her own promises, the promise to herself that she'd be strong and triumph. The power to be independent and confident in herself so that she couldn't fall into the trap that her younger, more naïve self did and yet Shishiyuki was telling her that this was the only way to continue forward to what she wanted.

She understood though, it was as simple as wanting her cake and eating it too.

Makoto naturally wanted to inquire about how one could go about trusting people or strategies though reconsidered asking Shishiyuki. That seemed like it would have its own issues, the next best thing that came to mind was Saki. She was always friendly with people and so trusting. Her insight was probably spectacular.

"I suppose you're right."

Thinking back to how she came to trust Shishiyuki and that made her feel stupid, just kiss her. That was a brilliant idea in the heat of the moment which only made her feel like a fool the more she thought back to it. All of her friends seemed to be the persistent sort, Elyss was pretty persistent too. It reminded her of how Saki snuck past her walls by insisting on being around her but that girl also lacked the same boisterous attitude she saw in the redhead.

"Sorry, sorry for being so gloomy..."

"Well, I still feel bad. The first time I see you in months and it's just more problems."

She mulled while sipping another mouthful of tea and watching her reflection in the tinted liquid. Too much to think about and hardly the decisive attitude to do it. Fighting was way easier than this kind of situation, the choices in combat could be made instantly for her but things like this were painfully slow and doubt ridden.

"I guess... there's no harm in trying it."

It felt like a lie as she said it, no harm in trying it when all that she could think about with opening up to people was how they could or would try and take advantage of her.

'Sure, what's been keeping you busy in my absence. You mentioned some developments?"

Makoto asked while taking another sip of her drink. It was a nice thing to keep her body doing something like a distraction of sorts. Just a little preoccupation to desist any unwanted behaviour that might convey her anxiety. She wanted to appear strong and confident at the moment.